How to Avoid Losing Your Identity in a Relationship

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Newfound love brings with it a strong current that can sweep you up in the excitement of your new relationship. And habits that have turned into routines in long-term relationships can appear too burdensome to shift. It's so easy to get sucked up in that vacuum of infatuation with a new relationship or stick to old routines where self-nurturing is left by the wayside. However, the long-term effect of only focusing on your relationship's development and deprioritizing your individual identity outside of your partner can have a detrimental impact not only on the relationship but on self-esteem and personal development. 

Here are five tips to ensure that beyond the passion of a new relationship or the comfort of routine in a long-term one, you can emphasize maintaining personal growth and your sense of identity outside of your partnership. 

1. Spend 5 minutes at the end of your day on personal reflection

While it may seem straightforward to spend five minutes with yourself with no distractions, the intention during this time of reflection is vital. Check in with yourself for just five minutes and ask yourself these questions:  How did you nurture yourself today? Did you do something for yourself that made you smile, no matter how small? If not, what is something you can do before bed?  A short investment of your time daily can exponentially decrease feelings that you're losing your identity. 

2. Do not let go of your hobbies and passions 

With a new partner, it can be easy to desire more joint activities. But, actively choose to give yourself and your partner the space to continue your own hobbies and activities. Do not forget yourself in the process and continue to do the things you enjoyed before your relationship. Make a point to immerse yourself in the passions and hobbies that fed your soul before your relationship.

3. Continue to spend time and stay in touch with friends 

When in a relationship, it is normal to have a shift in how you manage your time and with whom you spend it.  But, it can be easy to slip into a negative pattern of always spending time with a significant other in place of the time you would spend with friends or family. Negative practices that can develop in romantic relationships can impact non-romantic relationships with close friends or family.  While you have a relationship to nurture, many friendships will likely require a degree of relationship maintenance behaviors for closeness. Make a point to maintain your other relationships by reaching out by message, calling, or setting times to meet up for coffee or dinner to check in with the other parts of your support system outside your partner. 

4. Try new things with and without your partner 

New experiences are food for our souls and development. Pushing yourself to engage outside your habitual routines with new activities can encourage the growth of your mind, from trying new cuisines to encountering a person and hearing stories you'd otherwise never know. 

5. Always trust yourself 

In relationships, asking your partner about big decisions and goals is standard practice. These conversations can be challenging for couples as both parties have the equal ability to share and provide advice (not always desired advice). Ultimately, you need to always listen to your inner voice when it comes to chasing something you feel passionate about and trust yourself. The right partner will be there to support you in your ventures and uplift your dreams. 

Matchmaker FAQs

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

As a professional Matchmaker, you regularly get questions that few other jobs would prompt. Since the nature of matchmaking involves closer relationships and an understanding of a client's EQ, the day-to-day for a matchmaker will often look different than a standard office job. To celebrate National Matchmaker Day (August 31st), I have outlined the most commonly asked questions I receive as a Matchmaker and CEO of Linx Dating.

1. Have you always set people up? 

I wasn’t one of those ones who was always setting people up but I have always loved people.  I saw a great opportunity and went for it. Frankly, when I saw the opportunity in front of me, I could not believe no one had done it before.

2. How did you get into the field? 

I saw a market opportunity (demand) that was consistent with my existing network (supply) and I built from there. I have also always been a people person so it was a natural fit to go into matchmaking as I work with an incredibly diverse group of clients. 

3. What’s the hardest thing about being a matchmaker? 

This is a very emotional business - so rewarding, at times, but also high pressure as people are depending on me. Someone who hasn’t been married and who wants a baby is a high pressure situation for me. This is also a service business which means that I can also get treated very poorly sometimes, which stinks. 

4. What’s a typical day look like for a matchmaker? 

I start my morning with a giant cup of hot coffee and make my son breakfast! After school drop off, I get on my email. If there are so many emails, it’s already stressing me out, it’s a good reason to go for a walk or a run. On my walks, I always catch up with clients. On my runs, I crank all sorts of music from Guns N Roses,  Dua Lipa, Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber, Crash Test Dummies, Motley Crue, Chaka Khan, or Michael Jackson. Literally, my musical tastes are all across the board, LOL. I get home, prep a to go salad for the office, get ready. I always do myself up even if I am not meeting a client because when I put make-up on and wear something nice, I feel better no matter what. I head to the office, respond to emails ad then either do an in-person meeting with a client, or prospect, or meet on Zoom. I spend my afternoons working on match ideas for clients and often checking in with people in my database to see if they are presently single and good candidates for my clients. Come 5pm, I am heading home to prep dinner and spend quality time with my family. After my son is in bed, it’s work time again till 10pm or so. Normally I then take a bath to unwind, watch a show, and go to bed myself!

5. Do matchmakers use astrology? 

Not really….I certainly do not. It’s fun to talk about but we’d better be using more than that if we want any kind of competitive edge.

6. Are some matchmakers generational matchmakers? 

Sure. There are examples of this, just like there are in other family  businesses. It can be as informal as shared dinner table talk over many years, or as formal as a child taking over the family business.

7. Are there niche specialty matchmakers? 

Yep. It’s s function of market supply and demand.   A matchmaker is only as good as his or her network, and that could be a niche - geographic, religious, ethnic, age, or whatever. I’d say the most common two niches would be matchmaking, focusing on a particular faith or heritage. 

For instance, there are many matchmakers focusing solely on Jewish matches or matchmakers focusing solely on Indian matchmaking. I’ve been binging on Netflix’s Indian Matchmaker with “Sima from Mumbai.” 

8. What’s the craziest thing anyone has ever told you they want in a match? 

One of my former clients shared his musts include “all-natural body parts,” “love celebrating New Year’s Eve,” and “be okay with a shower with two heads on opposite walls.” On a sweeter note, he expected his dream girl to be “really close with at least one family member” (his own relationship with his two sisters is “one of my biggest areas of happiness,” he writes) and “be someone who constantly says ‘I believe in you’ to their children.” But she also has to “allow me to indulge in a luxury sports car filled with premium gasoline.” 

Speak Your Truth

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Too many women are just plain too afraid to express what they want when dating.  Ask yourself why you keep accepting dates with someone if you don’t know if he wants many of the things that you you want out of life? 

Speak up sooner rather than later when you’re getting to know someone. Speak your truth and speak up about what your goals are. I am a very firm believer that the right man will observe, listen, absorb, and digest what you have to say.

Many women I match are matched to guys with pre-existing kids. They know this going in, and made it clear to me they want at least one of their own biological children. The men I match them to are well aware of this.

Even in this “controlled environment” of working with a matchmaker, it is still mission critical to put out there in real time what you want, what you need, and your goals! I tell women to speak up and share these goals in the early stages and weave this into conversation in the most feminine, delicate, and reasonable way, while still being strong and vocal about it.

I advise women to watch how their date responds. Look at his body language, eye contact, engagement, and certainly what comes out of his mouth next. Radar up and antenna fully paying attention. To a man’s credit, most men will share what they are capable of and not capable of in the early stages of dating. It is the female's responsibility to pay attention, listen and to calibrate accordingly.

Men are not mind readers! Give your date your goals and open the door. The right man will lean in and walk through. In being vocal, you will quickly begin to know who the right guys are from the wrong guys. NOTE: This does NOT always mean that the right man will be an obliging puppy dog barking a simple “woof” meaning yes to everything you might want. If there are some resistance points, I advise women to watch the man’s approach and if he is willing to keep an open mind and engage with you in figuring things out, just as he would be watching to see if you will do the same.

I like using one of my married couples as a great example of a strong confident woman having the talk early on with the man she was falling in love with. I strategized with the female client very early on like on date 3 to have the talk. While she thought I was nuts, I told her to trust me. On date 3, somewhere in the middle of the date that was going swimmingly well, she brought up wanting to have a family one day and frankly not waiting till hell froze over for it to happen. Her date admired her boldness and listened. He listened carefully but didn’t say much… but opened his eyes really wide like a deer in headlights.

She also was in her late 30’s and went on further to share that she would want a relatively short courtship and to get engaged, plan the wedding, and be pregnant not too long after. The deer in headlights phenomenal continued. She wasn’t sure what to make of it but at least he listened and soaked in all her confidence. For her, it felt great having that elephant in the room addressed.

The next day when she was at work, a courier delivered her a small gift to her office. Curiously, she opened it and it was a book. The book was about raising kids from different cultures. Considering they were from very different cultures it made sense. When she told me that he had sent this book to her, I said "OMG, this is man who really listened!" He might not have said anything but this is the right man for you… he is leaning in and listening. He’s respecting your personal goals and had you not spoken the truth, you both would not know if you share the same vision. This couple has been married a decade and are blessed with a beautiful child.

So on your next date, try speaking up and see if this strategy works for you too.

That Certain Someone

Getting back into the dating game? Silicon Valley’s undisputed Cupid, Amy Andersen, discusses the baseline for making a real love connection.

By Michael McCarthy, Modern Luxury’s Silicon Valley Magazine, July 2022

Photo by Annie Barnett

Amy Andersen is a big believer in total honesty. It’s a job requirement. As the founder of Linx Dating (linxdating.com, amy@ linxdating.com), she’s the linchpin for countless love matches in Silicon Valley. “It’s very healthy to do an honest assessment of oneself and take the necessary action to make room for finding a great partner,” she says about the self-candor she preaches with clients. As we gear up for summer and perhaps begin a new love-life chapter, Andersen offers some advice about finding those who make our lives complete, heart and soul. 

Dating is tricky. There’s physical chemistry, of course, but how do people build on non-physical chemistry to create stronger relationships? 

Focus on the emotional and intellectual [parts of a relationship]. This will come from engaging around shared experiences and anything you both love to do—whether that’s watching a movie or TV show together, live sports or music, walking or hiking, a meal out or at home, travel or reading. I think humor, in particular, is powerful. It lightens the mood and is, in some ways, the greatest example of empathy when you can share a laugh. All of these things can lead to increased and better communication, enjoyment, comfort, and vulnerability—and a deeper connection. I also recommend studying The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It can give you tremendous insight on what a partner most appreciates, whether that’s gifts, words of affirmation, touch, time spent together or acts of service. 

The most successful people learn to evolve emotionally, intellectually and socially. How do we assess ourselves in relation to the dating game?

I suggest clients take the opportunity to focus on themselves; if they’re in a good place, they’ll attract others who are in a good place. They should take stock of their physical and mental health—what could improve? How can they eliminate any unnecessary negativity and toxic stress from their lives? Remember, all of this starts from being in a healthy place in your life, putting in the hard work, and then inviting that person in at the right time.   This can be anything from fitness, nutrition and sleep. The older I get, the more I work to remove any negativity in my life. I don’t hang around toxic people or gossipy types and do a lot to keep myself balanced emotionally, mentally and physically. Keeping an open mind is critical. If people are in a good place and are open to new experiences, they will be receptive to new ways to connect with a partner. One piece of simple advice is never to refuse an invitation to a party, event or perhaps a friend’s dinner gathering. Always say yes. You never know who you’ll meet. By saying yes instead of no, you’re putting yourself out there, expanding your social network and opening up new opportunities and conversations. I’m all about diversification of one’s routine and creating optionality. 

What about clients who are trying to remake themselves as they enter the dating world? 

I see this more often when someone is going through a divorce or breakup and wants to feel empowered and look gorgeous from the inside and out. That said, I see some younger clients definitely getting regular Botox to ease crows feet and lines on the forehead. No matter where we go in the world, across cultures, there’s always going to be a perceived value in youthfulness. For some clients who want to have a refreshed appearance, it can be as simple as a visit to a medspa for a consultation— someone like Dr. Stephen Ronan of Blackhawk Plastic Surgery + MedSpa (blackhawkplasticsurgery.com)—for injectables like Botox or fi ller, or learning how a cuttingedge laser treatment can help resurface the face and neck. And, yes, hair transplantation for guys too. Noninvasive procedures like Coolsculpting also are incredible to help smooth stubborn parts of the body and boost confi dence in so many ways.

Is it me, or is summer dating easier because of the endless options for fun? 

You are not wrong. We are particularly blessed in the Bay Area with so many beautiful attractions and great music, food and wine. I always tell my clients that their dates— especially in the early stages—should be light, easy and breezy. Stay away from heavy topics and grilling your date like it’s an interrogation. Make the dates fun, and go flirt. Most importantly, give your date a chance. Remember, a lot of people come into first dates with nerves and, therefore, it’s really important to go out two or three times and then decide if it makes sense to keep exploring or graciously close the loop and move on.

How much sex (or lack thereof) is “normal” to be having

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Whether you’re enjoying the newness of a fresh relationship or comfortable after years together, you can count on your sex life-changing. What is hot and heavy at first may calm to sporadic bedroom sessions. Or, maybe that initially awkward and mediocre sex (that perhaps you don’t want very often) can evolve to gratifying, explosive orgasms (that you’d enjoy twice daily). With such a wide spectrum, is there a baseline amount of sex we should be having?

According to the Kinsey Institute for research in Sex, Reproduction and Gender, the best predictor of sexual frequency is age—not marital status. Researchers found that, on average, people between 18-29 have 112 sex sessions a year; people between 30-39 have 86 sex sessions a year; and people between 40-49 have 69 sex sessions a year.

Wondering about the 50+ crowd? After surveying over 8000 participants over the age of 50, The Normal Bar found that 31 percent enjoy sex multiple times a week; 28 percent enjoy sex a few times a month; and 8 percent have sex once a month. Nearly a third of respondents rarely have sex at all. (Jorgensen, 2022)

Worried about your sex life losing steam? There is an upside: Although the quantity of sex may decrease with age, the quality gets better. In one study, researchers attributed the higher levels of sexual satisfaction in menopausal and post-menopausal women to their confidence, managed expectations, and ability to prioritize their sexual needs.

We’re below average! Is there a problem?

Not necessarily. In one study led by Amy Muise of The University of Toronto-Mississauga, researchers found that couples who have sex every night are just as happy as the couples who have sex once a week. In another study, researchers asked half of the 64 married couples participating to double the amount of sex they typically have. When comparing happiness levels from the cohort having more sex to the cohort sticking to their usual sex amounts, researchers found no increase in happiness. Instead, the couples with the doubled sex requirement reported lower energy levels and sexual dissatisfaction.

The findings show that real satisfaction doesn’t stem from the amount of sex, but rather from the quality of sexual experience. Sex is a vehicle for connectivity; some couples need to have sex to be connected and others can achieve connectivity other ways. In other words, as long as you and your partner feel connected, the amount of sex is secondary. “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” said Muise.

Is there a such thing as too little sex?

Technically, couples who have sex less than ten times a year are considered “sexless”. For older couples, the declining amount of sex is perfectly acceptable. But, for other couples, a mismatched libido can pose problems. If you haven’t been in the mood, take a closer look at your medications—especially antidepressants and antihistamines—and get your hormone levels checked. If you’ve ruled out physical causes, consider a fake-it-till-you-make-it approach; having sexual experiences can actually produce hormones that trigger higher levels of desire. If sex isn’t on the table, engaging in foreplay can also help fuel the flames of desire. Touching, holding, kissing, and other forms of physical contact stimulates oxytocin—a chemical that gives you feelings of closeness and connectedness with your partner.

What if we’re having too much sex?

Lucky you–literally! According to sex therapists and medical professionals, there is no such as too much sex; however, if your desire for sex is interfering with your job or relationships, you should consider chatting with a therapist.

Sources:

Jorgensen, B. (2022, November 15). Sex frequency statistics. Bedbible.com. Retrieved June 30, 2022, from https://bedbible.com/sex-frequency-statistics/

Loewenstein, G., Krishnamurti, T., Kopsic, J., & McDonald, D. (2015). Does increased sexual frequency enhance happiness? Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 116, 206–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021

Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2015). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295–302. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615616462