How to Avoid Losing Your Identity in a Relationship

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Newfound love brings with it a strong current that can sweep you up in the excitement of your new relationship. And habits that have turned into routines in long-term relationships can appear too burdensome to shift. It's so easy to get sucked up in that vacuum of infatuation with a new relationship or stick to old routines where self-nurturing is left by the wayside. However, the long-term effect of only focusing on your relationship's development and deprioritizing your individual identity outside of your partner can have a detrimental impact not only on the relationship but on self-esteem and personal development. 

Here are five tips to ensure that beyond the passion of a new relationship or the comfort of routine in a long-term one, you can emphasize maintaining personal growth and your sense of identity outside of your partnership. 

1. Spend 5 minutes at the end of your day on personal reflection

While it may seem straightforward to spend five minutes with yourself with no distractions, the intention during this time of reflection is vital. Check in with yourself for just five minutes and ask yourself these questions:  How did you nurture yourself today? Did you do something for yourself that made you smile, no matter how small? If not, what is something you can do before bed?  A short investment of your time daily can exponentially decrease feelings that you're losing your identity. 

2. Do not let go of your hobbies and passions 

With a new partner, it can be easy to desire more joint activities. But, actively choose to give yourself and your partner the space to continue your own hobbies and activities. Do not forget yourself in the process and continue to do the things you enjoyed before your relationship. Make a point to immerse yourself in the passions and hobbies that fed your soul before your relationship.

3. Continue to spend time and stay in touch with friends 

When in a relationship, it is normal to have a shift in how you manage your time and with whom you spend it.  But, it can be easy to slip into a negative pattern of always spending time with a significant other in place of the time you would spend with friends or family. Negative practices that can develop in romantic relationships can impact non-romantic relationships with close friends or family.  While you have a relationship to nurture, many friendships will likely require a degree of relationship maintenance behaviors for closeness. Make a point to maintain your other relationships by reaching out by message, calling, or setting times to meet up for coffee or dinner to check in with the other parts of your support system outside your partner. 

4. Try new things with and without your partner 

New experiences are food for our souls and development. Pushing yourself to engage outside your habitual routines with new activities can encourage the growth of your mind, from trying new cuisines to encountering a person and hearing stories you'd otherwise never know. 

5. Always trust yourself 

In relationships, asking your partner about big decisions and goals is standard practice. These conversations can be challenging for couples as both parties have the equal ability to share and provide advice (not always desired advice). Ultimately, you need to always listen to your inner voice when it comes to chasing something you feel passionate about and trust yourself. The right partner will be there to support you in your ventures and uplift your dreams. 

How the Linx Methodology Works... From an Insider

Amy Andersen’s methodology is old-fashioned and direct, and it has been shown to help clients even as they continue to date beyond Linx. To understand exactly how Amy’s methodology impacts clients, Linx Dating reached out to a previous client who has become successful in her approach to dating and is now in a happy exclusive relationship post-Linx.

Demographics:

The previous Client is a 32-year-old active female and established young professional with a 10-year-old daughter. Her partner is a 27-year-old active male and an established young professional.

What stuck out to you most about Amy’s methodology for having success when dating?

I appreciate Amy’s way of assessing fundamental compatibility levels for her clients. She created a system and space that allows her clients to open up and be honest with her (and themselves) about their ideal life partner.

What tip or trick was the most useful to implement in your approach to dating?

1. Make self-care a priority, for it’s the foundation of a healthy relationship.

2. Know your worth and don’t lower your standards when evaluating potential red flags.

3. Don’t be scared to ask hard questions playfully. The right person will be receptive and value you and your time more.

4. Last, never assume; communicate to the point of clarity and mutual understanding.

Were your dates/partner receptive to your new dating approach?

The right man was, and I saved a lot of time and potential heartache in the initial talking stages of dating.

How has your dating life and experience with dating changed since working with Amy?

My mindset has shifted in how I approach my ideal partner. I’ve gone from “do they like me,” to “do I like them and are they a good fit for the woman I am and want to be.”

I am evaluating deal breakers, green and red flags, and learning to communicate upfront while still allowing plenty of space for romance.

Amy’s methodology set a bar that had me off the dating market and exclusive by the 4th date with a man that is communicative, successful, and romantic, ultimately proving that great men do exist in today’s dating landscape and you just have to be willing to stay true to your standards.

Linx Dating Client Testimonials

Linx Dating is approaching our 20th year in the business of being Cupid. We connect clients each and every day with prospective partners based on similar values, passions, and interests - the Linx method to matchmaking continues to result in countless relationships and marriages. We take pride in sharing what our clients have to say about Linx and why Amy Andersen’s approach to matchmaking elevates the industry to a whole new level. Read on to hear what our clients have to say about Linx and the process!

A 50-something Male located in San Carlos, CA

“Amy is great. Terrific listener with superb insights. Good at offering advice and knowing when just a little constructive coaching can make a big difference.  

She carefully selects folks for you to meet and they are uniformly impressive (even if not always a romantic match).  You will not have the situation we have all had with apps when you know in mere moments of meeting someone that the meeting is a waste of time.  Not with Amy.... each intro leads to time well spent chatting with somebody polished and interesting.  

Clearly this is not a volume-based business for Amy. She is hands-on and there appears to be no delegation... not even an admin to field routine emails.  But she is still responsive.  She takes her time and thinks things through personally.  

Amy is the total opposite of apps and the endless waste of time they represent. Not cheap, but you get what you pay for.”

A 40-something Male located in Mountain View, CA 

“There are so many matchmakers out there.  I know as many of them to reach out to me and want me to be part of their network, etc.  The pitch is generally the same, the execution is the same, etc, etc.  Some of these services work in volume (think Tawkify) and others are truly bespoke.  Most are really there to sell a dream to people as priority one and deliver results as priority two.  

Amy is different.  

Amy has a large barrier to work with her (which is a good thing).  This barrier is a very exhaustive questionnaire, an in-person interview, continued follow-up on status, and taking the entire process seriously.  This weeds out the lurkers and the individuals that do not take the service seriously.  It also weeds out those who don't know what they're looking for.  

While the terms of my agreement with Amy are confidential, I will tell you that Amy is worth every penny you invest in her services.  

She combines one of the most extensive networks of anyone I know, the uncanny ability to find the right match, and a sincere dedication to the art and science of top-level matchmaking.  

She is a master businesswoman and knows how to break down barriers to truly find the needles in a haystack.  She doesn't expect her clients to settle to match what she can find, she excels to find partners that match the expectations of her clients...and her clients are of the pickiest, most discerning, and high profile of the bunch.  She just delivers.  

Other matchmakers, in my experience, don't match the punctual follow-up and service that Amy provides.  While she works with many, she has made me, one of her clients, feel as though I am top priority.  I am able to communicate by text, phone, or email.  All of these are fine by Amy.  

In summary, if you want the best, don't waste your time with others, go to Amy.  I am writing this because I truly think she is of the few out there that goes above and beyond to be a true "cupid" and she succeeds because of the aforementioned.”

50-something Female located in Larkspur, CA

“Amy Andersen, founder of the Bay Area's premiere bespoke matchmaking venture Linx, is a true treasure in this potentially exploitative field. Her reputation is sterling, her intuition is spot-on, her network is extensive, and her success rate is unparalleled. Do your research and you will likely come to the same conclusion as I did: Linx is the go-to company for discreet high-end matchmaking services in Northern California.

Before I had the pleasure of meeting Amy IRL, I had several months of correspondence with her. From our very first exchange, Amy was incredibly warm, authentic and genuinely passionate about her desire to help people meet the love of their lives. Even after nearly 2 decades in this ultra-competitive business (longevity is extremely rare in this particular niche), she continues to have an incredible level of enthusiasm for her work. I was scheduled to meet with Amy for 90 minutes but we were having such fun in her little "secret garden" that nearly three hours flew by before we parted ways!! As nervous as I was for this all-important, vis-à-vis first meeting, I ended up having a delightful afternoon drinking herbal tea, sharing stories/life dreams, and of course, being girlie girls, plenty of giggles! Read the other reviews and the common element you'll see is that EVERYONE ADORES AMY!!! She is fully present and engaged in learning as much as she can about her clients... necessary intake info so she knows exactly which spell to cast! I'm convinced successful matchmaking is equal parts intuition, attention to detail,  and magic!!

But beyond the personality, Amy is the very definition of a consummate professional: she is meticulous in her vetting process, highly organized and prepared for all events/interactions, responsive not only to her high-end clientele but to anyone who inquires about her services. Even individuals who are not a good fit for her model are treated with dignity and are often directed to other resources/services that are better aligned with their needs. I know this personally from friends who have reached out to her over the years. Amy understands her ultimate success is not strictly defined by the number of clients in her data base, but in being benevolent to all who seek her expertise.

If you are reading this, most likely you are seeking a serious relationship. Remember the immortal words of David Viscott, ‘To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.’ If you are exhausted weeding through all of the dishonest posers online and are ready to invest in finding your life partner, Linx may very well be the service you need. You will at the very least become a fan of Amy Andersen, guaranteed.”

60-something Female located in Saratoga, CA

“This review is long overdue. I was searching for a personalized local matchmaker for a dear friend of mine. I found Linx and did an intro call with the founder Amy Andersen. She was wonderful, very personable, and made me feel comfortable from day one. I was very happy to introduce my single friend to Amy. Amy suggested meeting my friend for coffee a couple of times to ensure he was on board and making the right decision.

Since he signed up, I can tell you he's had an excellent experience. While the first few introductions did not lead to "the one", he is now in a happy, committed relationship with a smart and kind, beautiful lady who is good to him. Importantly, they have a lot of fun together!

The value add with Linx is that it provides a very personalized, professional approach for those who are either too private for dating apps and/or looking for someone spectacular.

Linx cherry picks its member ensuring everyone is commitment-minded and serious about finding true, authentic love. It's great for busy executives/business owners who lead full lives and aren't inclined to swipe all day to find the right match.

Although the service is not cheap, I am a believer that you get what you pay for.”

Intentional Dating

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Are you leaving dates disappointed?  Having flings and situationships with sparks that always seem to fizzle out? Start dating with awareness and intention by considering what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, and walking away when someone shows that they are not what you seek. The healthiest and strongest partnerships form between two self-aware individuals who each can date with this framework in mind.

Know What You Have to Offer

Too often, when searching for a serious partner or relationship, the focus is outward and evades internal reflection. 

Ask yourself how you can directly improve or impact a potential romantic partner’s life.  Examples… When looking to enter a romantic relationship, you are equally as responsible as your counterpart for creating healthy expectations around communication, intimacy, etc. Are you compassionate? Able to communicate your feelings effectively and not overreact in your responses? Can you admit when you are at fault?  Or convey your needs to a partner directly without needless nuance? 

Know What You Seek

Often people stick to searching for partners who fall into their so-called “type,” due to comfort and sticking to what they have known. There is a misconception that always staying with your type will eventually bring you your ideal partner... Though this might be true sometimes, dating solely within your predetermined type is more likely to limit your dating experience and to reduce your exposure to people whom you might not have considered before – a sample group from which your perfect match could emerge.

When setting the parameters for your ideal partner, begin with the non-negotiable traits you want to see in your future partner. As just a few examples, maybe they need to manage conflict effectively and calmly, listen intently to what you say, and prioritize mindfulness or religion in their daily lives.  Next, consider some activities or things you want to do and share with a future partner.  Maybe they are an avid skier or runner, bookworm, art enthusiast, and so on.  Lastly, what are your absolute dealbreakers? Establish the qualities that you know you do not want to see in a partner. Once you balance these various elements, you can begin to create a rough but accurate outline of the type of person you are looking for – an intentional framework that can guide you accurately in dating without being completely restrictive and choking off the possibility of randomness working in your favor to create romance in the unexpected.

Know When It Is Time to Move On

STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES… you need them and they require YOU to implement them. If you have communicated expectations and a partner’s behavior is well outside what you expect, do not wait until the third act to watch how things unfold. They have shown you how they will likely continue to operate. 

Mediating and attempting to modify and repair behaviors amidst high levels of frustration with a romantic partner is not a pattern likely to change the longer you are together. Trust what they are showing you through their actions and move on to someone who meets your standards and respects your boundaries with less difficulty or hesitation. 

In Review:

It is critical before starting your dating journey to look inside and outside yourself – who are you and what do you offer, and what do you most prioritize in a partner?  Regarding the latter, think hard about priorities… personality characteristics, beliefs, and behaviors are most key, along with trying to avoid sticking with one specific physical type. 

Lastly, trust when someone shows you who they are and how they act - stick to your standards. If someone clearly cannot meet your expectations, do not attempt to mold them into what you are looking for or assume it will get better. Move on and find the one who meets you there. 

You are now equipped with some knowledge on how to date intentionally… and now it is your turn to put it into practice! 

Talking About Technology Use With a Partner

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Now that nearly everyone holds a multimedia-capable mobile phone of some sort nearby at all times, with SMS, social media and a plethora of other content at their fingertips as potential distractions, conversations are popping up surrounding the frequency of texting or calling, and general boundaries of technology use during dates.  It is important to consider how technology has changed the dating scene – particularly regarding expectations around communication.

How do you navigate these new situations and open a dialogue with a potential or current partner about technology's role in your relationship? In three stages, we give you the tools to understand technology's role in your day-to-day life, to discuss digital communication expectations, and to set boundaries accordingly. 

Stage One:

Understand the role technology plays in your own life

Technology's role in your life can be impacted by many factors such as your profession, relationship with family and friends, television or movie consumption, social media usage, etc. 

Ask yourself - where might technology truly be enhancing your connection with those around you, and how might it be detracting from your relationships? Do your current technology practices bring you authentically closer to others? What existing technology use, habits, or expectations do you have that could create barriers in a relationship? Might some of your technology engagement better be left for your alone time?

You cannot change someone's behaviors yourself… and you are responsible for setting an example for the technology practices you would want to see reflected in a relationship. You and a partner must communicate and listen to be on the same page, which brings us to stage two.   

Stage Two:

Get on the same page about digital engagement and communication expectations in a relationship

What does digital engagement and communication mean? It is any form of communication or consumption through technological channels such as email, text, call, YouTube, Zoom, etc. And as you learn to define how technology influences your communication and impacts your life, sharing and talking about this with a partner would be the next step in keeping it from harming a relationship.

Everyone has different ideas on where, how often, and to what degree interactions with technology should happen. Finding a happy medium on this between you and your partner requires an open dialogue. 

For example, do you and your partner feel the same about how to stay in contact when you are apart (e.g. frequency of texting and calling each other, preference of calling vs texting, time taken to respond, etc.)? 

When you are with a current or potential partner in person, what are your expectations on technology use while together? Understanding a partner's usage, expected sharing practices, transparency when using technology together, and lastly, how you think technology could help strengthen or potentially harm the relationship, are all important to discuss.

Stage Three:

Set and discuss boundaries with your partner

Depending on your situation(s), it might be necessary to set rules and boundaries. 

What are possible behaviors that you or a partner might deem as negative and how can you work around this together? 

As just one example, whether work-related or not, you might enjoy scrolling through social media to "just check out for a minute." However, when spending time building or growing a relationship, this could really be off-putting to a partner.  As another example, mealtimes, for many, are a sacred time to share company, and having a phone even visible and ready to beep or vibrate at any time can feel disruptive and dismissive to a partner.  

So… talk about these things together!  Maybe mealtimes are a technology-free zone to improve conversation and connection.  Your only other option is for you both to sit in frustration and fester about things, hoping a change will occur, while in reality it will make things worse.

In conclusion…

Technology is not going anywhere – if anything, it will be more prevalent with more sophisticated smartphones and smart homes.  There will likely be unpredictable times (e.g., a new job requiring tech, extended time apart, etc.) as well as necessary adjustments that you and your partner will have to make and discuss with the evolution of technology. 

Openness to navigating a confusing conversation about technology usage with your partner is vital in learning to avoid technology playing a negative role in your relationship.