By Dani Geary for Linx Dating
Now that nearly everyone holds a multimedia-capable mobile phone of some sort nearby at all times, with SMS, social media and a plethora of other content at their fingertips as potential distractions, conversations are popping up surrounding the frequency of texting or calling, and general boundaries of technology use during dates. It is important to consider how technology has changed the dating scene – particularly regarding expectations around communication.
How do you navigate these new situations and open a dialogue with a potential or current partner about technology's role in your relationship? In three stages, we give you the tools to understand technology's role in your day-to-day life, to discuss digital communication expectations, and to set boundaries accordingly.
Stage One:
Understand the role technology plays in your own life
Technology's role in your life can be impacted by many factors such as your profession, relationship with family and friends, television or movie consumption, social media usage, etc.
Ask yourself - where might technology truly be enhancing your connection with those around you, and how might it be detracting from your relationships? Do your current technology practices bring you authentically closer to others? What existing technology use, habits, or expectations do you have that could create barriers in a relationship? Might some of your technology engagement better be left for your alone time?
You cannot change someone's behaviors yourself… and you are responsible for setting an example for the technology practices you would want to see reflected in a relationship. You and a partner must communicate and listen to be on the same page, which brings us to stage two.
Stage Two:
Get on the same page about digital engagement and communication expectations in a relationship
What does digital engagement and communication mean? It is any form of communication or consumption through technological channels such as email, text, call, YouTube, Zoom, etc. And as you learn to define how technology influences your communication and impacts your life, sharing and talking about this with a partner would be the next step in keeping it from harming a relationship.
Everyone has different ideas on where, how often, and to what degree interactions with technology should happen. Finding a happy medium on this between you and your partner requires an open dialogue.
For example, do you and your partner feel the same about how to stay in contact when you are apart (e.g. frequency of texting and calling each other, preference of calling vs texting, time taken to respond, etc.)?
When you are with a current or potential partner in person, what are your expectations on technology use while together? Understanding a partner's usage, expected sharing practices, transparency when using technology together, and lastly, how you think technology could help strengthen or potentially harm the relationship, are all important to discuss.
Stage Three:
Set and discuss boundaries with your partner
Depending on your situation(s), it might be necessary to set rules and boundaries.
What are possible behaviors that you or a partner might deem as negative and how can you work around this together?
As just one example, whether work-related or not, you might enjoy scrolling through social media to "just check out for a minute." However, when spending time building or growing a relationship, this could really be off-putting to a partner. As another example, mealtimes, for many, are a sacred time to share company, and having a phone even visible and ready to beep or vibrate at any time can feel disruptive and dismissive to a partner.
So… talk about these things together! Maybe mealtimes are a technology-free zone to improve conversation and connection. Your only other option is for you both to sit in frustration and fester about things, hoping a change will occur, while in reality it will make things worse.
In conclusion…
Technology is not going anywhere – if anything, it will be more prevalent with more sophisticated smartphones and smart homes. There will likely be unpredictable times (e.g., a new job requiring tech, extended time apart, etc.) as well as necessary adjustments that you and your partner will have to make and discuss with the evolution of technology.
Openness to navigating a confusing conversation about technology usage with your partner is vital in learning to avoid technology playing a negative role in your relationship.