Three Signs He is Emotionally Unavailable

UpJourney’s Article Written by The Editors, 60+ Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Man features contributions from Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating (Visit UpJourney to view the full article)

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“ There is nothing more frustrating than heading towards a serious, monogamous relationship only to hear your could-be-significant-other say, “I just don’t think I’m ready to commit.” 

Save yourself time, energy, and heartache by choosing men who want—not be convinced to want—a longer-term relationship and are emotionally available.

My top three signs he is emotionally unavailable: 

1. He is not intentional 

An emotionally unavailable man does not think about doing things and activities together. There are no actual plans in the works to see you. He invites you to hang out super casually, where he might mention that you should “drop by” his weekend BBQ. 

An emotionally available man makes commitments, asks you out, and figures out a time based on your schedule. You’ll also notice that dates with an emotionally available man are somewhat tailored to your preferences. 

Emotionally available men want to share great moments with you—and that starts with thoughtful planning. 

2. He’s not reliable

If he is not showing up for you, this is a big sign that he is not emotionally available. 

Being able to rely on your partner for support is a big part of a sustainable relationship, and he will want to show you that he can handle one. 

It’s easy to feel infatuated when everything is going well, but does he have staying power when things get a little, hmmm, complicated? 

How did he react when you had a blow-up at work? 

Was he available when you were sick with a nasty cold? 

If he always shows up for you, he’s showing that he’s worth the emotional investment. 

3. He’s not great with communication 

Emotionally unavailable men can make it difficult for you to understand how they feel about you. 

They are not interested in learning about you beyond the surface and are certainly not willing to put in the work in terms of communication. 

An emotionally available man can be straightforward about his feelings for you. He is attentive to the things that are important to you and is generally a good communicator. 

If you are dating someone with checks any of these signs that a man is not emotionally available, I encourage you to re-evaluate where you’re at and if your needs are being met. 

If you checked more than one of these signs, chances are you might need to muster up the courage to move on to a man who can invest in a healthy and balanced relationship with you. ”

Speak Your Truth

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Too many women are just plain too afraid to express what they want when dating.  Ask yourself why you keep accepting dates with someone if you don’t know if he wants many of the things that you you want out of life? 

Speak up sooner rather than later when you’re getting to know someone. Speak your truth and speak up about what your goals are. I am a very firm believer that the right man will observe, listen, absorb, and digest what you have to say.

Many women I match are matched to guys with pre-existing kids. They know this going in, and made it clear to me they want at least one of their own biological children. The men I match them to are well aware of this.

Even in this “controlled environment” of working with a matchmaker, it is still mission critical to put out there in real time what you want, what you need, and your goals! I tell women to speak up and share these goals in the early stages and weave this into conversation in the most feminine, delicate, and reasonable way, while still being strong and vocal about it.

I advise women to watch how their date responds. Look at his body language, eye contact, engagement, and certainly what comes out of his mouth next. Radar up and antenna fully paying attention. To a man’s credit, most men will share what they are capable of and not capable of in the early stages of dating. It is the female's responsibility to pay attention, listen and to calibrate accordingly.

Men are not mind readers! Give your date your goals and open the door. The right man will lean in and walk through. In being vocal, you will quickly begin to know who the right guys are from the wrong guys. NOTE: This does NOT always mean that the right man will be an obliging puppy dog barking a simple “woof” meaning yes to everything you might want. If there are some resistance points, I advise women to watch the man’s approach and if he is willing to keep an open mind and engage with you in figuring things out, just as he would be watching to see if you will do the same.

I like using one of my married couples as a great example of a strong confident woman having the talk early on with the man she was falling in love with. I strategized with the female client very early on like on date 3 to have the talk. While she thought I was nuts, I told her to trust me. On date 3, somewhere in the middle of the date that was going swimmingly well, she brought up wanting to have a family one day and frankly not waiting till hell froze over for it to happen. Her date admired her boldness and listened. He listened carefully but didn’t say much… but opened his eyes really wide like a deer in headlights.

She also was in her late 30’s and went on further to share that she would want a relatively short courtship and to get engaged, plan the wedding, and be pregnant not too long after. The deer in headlights phenomenal continued. She wasn’t sure what to make of it but at least he listened and soaked in all her confidence. For her, it felt great having that elephant in the room addressed.

The next day when she was at work, a courier delivered her a small gift to her office. Curiously, she opened it and it was a book. The book was about raising kids from different cultures. Considering they were from very different cultures it made sense. When she told me that he had sent this book to her, I said "OMG, this is man who really listened!" He might not have said anything but this is the right man for you… he is leaning in and listening. He’s respecting your personal goals and had you not spoken the truth, you both would not know if you share the same vision. This couple has been married a decade and are blessed with a beautiful child.

So on your next date, try speaking up and see if this strategy works for you too.

Just Breathe… How to Calm Down before a Date

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By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

First dates can be riddled with a barrage of emotions and what feels like a surge of adrenaline pumping through your body. Many men and women suffer from jitters in the early stages of dating and these emotions are normal - you’re a human after all and it would be a bit odd if you weren’t experiencing some of that.

One of the best ways to combat these nerves is first to get into the right positive mindset. Here are some of my recommendations for getting there.

1. "Meeting a Friend"

I like to tell clients to visualize that they are meeting a friend. Friends generally make us feel good about ourselves.

Side note, if you have a friend who doesn’t bring levity to your life, perhaps its time to re-evaluate your friendships - but I digress.

When in the “meeting a friend” mindset, those pesky nerves that can interfere with pre-date and during the date emotions will begin to subside. The wet palms, increased heart rate, the WTF am I doing will take a dip.

Start this visualization the minute you have a firm plan. So if your date is on Friday and it’s Monday, it’s the right time to begin. A few minutes of daily visualizations where you remind yourself this is not a big deal, you’re meeting a new friend and it’s always fun to have new friends. Rinse and repeat a couple of minutes in the mornings and evenings leading up to the actual date. I’d apply a very similar practice to interviewing for a job as well. "I know this space inside and out, they need me more than I need them, I got this, I own this, fuck yeah."

2. “Taking Care of Yourself"

Now that you’re rockin’ your positive mindset, think about anything that makes you relax. What do you do after a stressful day?

What are your coping mechanisms that are healthy outlets? A peaceful stroll in the park? Yoga? A bubble bath, a steam or sauna with dim lighting and candles and Enya playing? Why not? Some Metallica streaming through your AirPods running, pumping iron, banging out push-ups and mountain climbers? You’ve got this. Whatever your jam is, these are great ways to have stress outlets leading up to the date.

3. “Best Foot Forward"

Now that you are doing your daily visualizations and ideally bringing relaxation to your body each day, I want you now to figure out the outfit you’ll be wearing. Although you’re meeting a new friend, I want you feeling really good about yourself. Going out to the newest sushi spot in town and cocktails at that swanky bar after, find something in your closet that makes you feel alive and sexy as hell. If you’re a female, men like color. It’s funny, they’re just like a hummingbird and respond well to color.

If you’re guy reading this, wouldn’t it be so nice to pick out a crisp dress shirt with a hint of color, a beautiful belt and dark denim. Did you know women tend to look at guys shoes first? Yep, it’s true.

So if you have your ensemble picked out, I want you to hang it up on your closet door or somewhere you can see it everyday leading up to your date. Visualize how pretty you’re going to look in your red dress and heels with your soft, incredibly sensual-to-the-touch cashmere wrap. Or how studly you’re going to feel in your freshly pressed dress shirt and those pricy suede loafers you purchased after a boozy lunch with your best friend that afternoon.

Look at it, visualize it, and get into the mindset of feeling and looking really good. You got this.

The days leading up to your date, you’re getting good sleep, limiting the booze, and curbing insane amounts of caffeine... Again, this is all the same stuff I would do if I were going on a job interview and I wanted to ace it. Mindset, action, controlling environment, and treating the body like a temple!

Day of the date, listen to your favorite song when getting ready, splash your perfume/cologne on and it’s show time.

Put that outfit on and feel golden. You are amazing and are going to have a great evening! Make sure to leave plenty of time to get to the location so you don’t stress about traffic or parking.

And when you’re there, remember, just breathe, you’re meeting a friend after all….

Four Things That Can Prevent a Friendship With an Ex

UpJourney’s Article Written by The Editors, I Still Love My Ex. What Should I Do? (60+ Expert Tips) features contributions from Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating (Visit UpJourney to view the full article)

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Becoming friends with your ex is not the solution

“ After sharing love and a life together, severing all contact with an ex sounds like a harsh outcome, to say the least, but is maintaining ties with an ex worthwhile? 

Traditional advice seems to support “clean breaks” and “moving on,” but is there something to be said for pursuing friendship in lieu of separation? 

Getting over an ex takes time, and becoming friends as a quick transition directly from a romantic to a platonic relationship is not the solution. Well, definitely not a solution that takes minimal effort or would be described as a walk in the park. 

You need to ask yourself why you want to stay friends, and are you even ready to have a friendship?

Before you can be friends with an ex, you have to consider four different relationship domains that can prevent a successful friendship:

1. Continued romantic attraction

You’re still hoping the relationship could return to a romantic nature and have a romantic attraction. 

This is a direct indicator you are likely not ready for a friendship and reserving your romantic attraction is not possible to foster a friendship at this time.  

2. Reliability/sentimentality

You think your ex “gets you” more than anyone else, and you believe you could count on them to have your back and understand your perspective. 

With the changing nature from romantic to platonic, you have to assess if reaching out to an ex-romantic partner is a result of dependability—not their specific advice or expertise. 

If you favor reaching out to your ex before any other friends for advice or comfort, you might not be ready for a friendship at this time. 

3. Pragmatism

You perceive your life as easier or necessary with your ex as a part of it. Maybe your ex has the resources you want: connections to business prospects, money, or skills you need. 

4. Sexual access

Maintaining enough connectivity exclusively to ensure sexual opportunities or, simply, a friends with benefits situation. Sexual-based relationships often struggle to alter a relationship beyond physical and romantic feelings (i.e., a friendship). 

Although reliability is the prevailing reason for friendship among both women and men, men were more likely to rate pragmatism and sexual access higher than women.

Regardless of what you decide, give yourself—and your ex—an opportunity to adjust to being single. 

If you do decide to pursue friendship, realize that the strong emotional connection you continue to share could complicate—at best—or preclude—at worst—your chances of establishing a new, totally fulfilling relationship. “

Am I Ready to Get Back in the Game?

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By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Are you thinking about dating again and questioning if you are ready to get back in the game?

Starting to date again and get back out there after a significant hiatus, for any reason, can be overwhelming and might even feel surreal. 

Instead of succumbing to the stress, use this guide to take it one step at a time and break the whole dating process into smaller components. Use the following recommendations to help you think about whether you are ready for a relationship and how you might navigate dating again. 

1. Take Personal Accountability 

You must take personal accountability with respect to your role in speaking openly with a potential romantic partner for healthy communication to be the standard in any romantic relationship. 

Your feelings or thoughts of dissatisfaction, anger, or annoyance with a potential romantic partner should not be ignored, nor should they be brought forward with a negative or hostile undertone. As a part of a pair, you share the responsibility to communicate your feelings - but, how you share will ultimately inhibit, or allow growth in, your relationship.

2. Notice Your Mindset 

Being aware of your current headspace involves internal reflection. Comparing your new dating experiences to previous relationships, having unrealistic partner expectations, and being unsure of what you want are all preventable setbacks you can avoid to have greater success when dating.

Comparing new opportunities to previous relationships, taken to the extreme, is not a productive tactic but an unfortunately easy habit to slip into. When it comes to dating, framing a new relationship in the context of old ones can close your mind to new experiences that could be different and maybe even better in new ways you had not considered. To avoid unhelpful comparisons, there should be a clear separation between your past relationships and your exploration of new relationships that only YOU can make. 

Having expectations for a partner is necessary, but should be tempered. Having an open and mutual dialogue with a potential romantic partner about each of your needs is essential for a shared understanding.  That said, a romantic partner should be caring, supportive, and kind but likely will not be a magical problem solver or mind reader. Expecting a potential romantic partner to remedy or solve all of your problems in their entirety is unrealistic and can place undue and unreasonable stress on a relationship.  At the end of the day, your personal problems are ultimately your problems to understand and communicate.

Another common setback to avoid when it comes to your mindset is seeking a romantic partner just for the heck of it. Seeking out the right person is critical!  Before you invest a ton of cycles, ask yourself, are you considering how that person fits into your longer term life goals and not simply how they could evolve to fit a small piece of what you are looking for and thus leave you frustrated… which now leads us to setting goals!

3. Set Goals 

To succeed in dating, you need to set some benchmarks and attainable goals while still letting relationships evolve naturally. Per the mindset section above, maybe ask yourself what are you looking for in your future partner? Do they prioritize family? Do they travel often? Do they live an active lifestyle? What are their thoughts on work and money? What are their love languages?  These are just some ideas.  But you need to take the time to think about what really matters to you and what you need in a partner… It’s not that every potential candidate needs to check every box, but it helps to have a rough framework in your mind as you date, so that you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s.

4. Embrace the Journey

Dating is a process - there is no universal approach to what will fit your needs. While not every date will be a perfect match, they will each offer an opportunity to take something away, ideally something positive, in a new experience. All the while, be sure to continue to keep balance and dedicate time to taking care of yourself mentally and physically (spending time with family, friends, hobbies, and reflection), as this will allow you to continue to put your best foot forward and present yourself to partners in the best and most natural light.  Remember that occasionally being nervous or having conflicting emotions while dating is okay and normal. It is important to allow that confusion to exist and to know that you will learn to navigate these emotions in time by trusting yourself and being more comfortable not always knowing precisely what is next.