How To Forgive a Cheating Partner... According To Science

How to forgive a cheating partner…

according to science

The pain of heartbreak coupled with a partner’s dishonesty is devastating. Most couples build trust over so many dates over so many months and all of this can crumble in moments in the wake of cheating. If your partner has been unfaithful, it can feel impossible to forgive and rebuild the relationship, but there is hope. I have seen many couples work through broken trust and come back together even stronger.

So, how is it possible to forgive a cheating partner? Firstly, you’ll need to understand why your partner cheated in the first place. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the top reasons people strayed from their partners included feeling generally dissatisfied with their partner, dealing with boredom in the bedroom or struggling to connect emotionally. Pinpointing where your relationship struggles the most will help you know where to focus your attention as you rebuild. 

Getting back on track is also going to require a lot of open, honest communication. Discussing what went wrong and how to get back on track are heavy, difficult conversations, but getting vulnerable with each other can help you build empathy for your unfaithful partner. Remember, empathizing with your partner does not excuse their behavior, but it is a way to make it easier to understand and eventually forgive their behavior. 

In addition to the open communication, setting boundaries helped partners rebuild shattered trust even faster. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who established boundaries and expectations after cheating were more likely to stay together and report greater relationship satisfaction. This could be like “rules” around messaging on social media, sharing locations or checking in at the end of the night. It may not sound romantic, but oversharing demonstrates a commitment to transparency. 

Finally, I can’t recommend couples therapy enough. Talking through what happened and opening up about the path forward can be much easier with professional support. Therapists can help mediate conversations that escalate and also help both of you communicate through those underlying issues that put so much stress on the relationship to begin with. Additionally, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, couples who went to therapy after infidelity were more likely to be satisfied with their relationship and more likely to forgive compared to couples who tried to repair their relationships without professional help.

At the end of the day, forgiving your partner doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Forgiving is a way to free yourself from the pain and anger caused by the partner. Deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who broke your trust is an arduous process, but if your partner is worth it, he or she will work with you (hopefully with a therapist!) to communicate openly, establish and stick to boundaries, and reassure you—through words and actions—that it was a one-time mistake. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy

One Night Stands: The Power of Choice

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When a client is looking for a relationship, they are evaluating partners with specific criteria, like shared goals, religion or values. But, the path to finding “the one” can be long, and it’s not uncommon to meet some spectacular—yet short-term—prospects. When something like this happens, and passion takes the wheel, you might opt for a one-night stand. Such an experience can bring up a whole range of emotions, but fear not, I’m here to guide you through it.

Getting caught up in a night of passion can feel absolutely mind altering in the moment, but the next morning may feel like a different story. I’ve had many daters reach out to me with guilt and shame after a one night stand, so I wanted to offer some perspective. Before rushing to judge yourself, maybe you can remember the following:

1. Sex is a biological need

You made a decision to engage with your biological need to have sex. Why is helping yourself fulfill this human need shameful? Why are you having trouble considering this a part of your health and wellness ritual? Though you may wish to fulfill these desires within a committed relationship, you can’t control when you meet someone who makes you feel like committing. Do you think it’s healthy to let your body experience long periods without physical connection? 

2. There is no appropriate number of sexual partners

Instead of allowing society to determine the “appropriate” number of sexual partners, try thinking about your unique recipe for personal fulfillment. Not all women share the same desire for sex, why should one number work for all of them? Not all men are interested in sex over a relationship, so why should they be perceived as such? These double standards for men and women create an unfair environment for everyone. Reject these threads and create the framework that’s appropriate for you. 

3. Your health is your responsibility 

As a sexual being, it is up to you to decide what is best for your body. One-night stands can be a way for you to express physical desires without any strings attached. Instead of judging yourself, consider your one-night stand an intentional choice that allowed you to work with your sexuality instead of against it. 

4. Experiences are tools of self-discovery

Trying new things helps us get to know who we truly are. What can you learn from your one-night stand that might help you achieve better sexual satisfaction in the future? What increased your pleasure? What would you do differently? There’s a lesson in everything; what did your one-night stand teach you? 

5. Not all strong connections are meant to be long term

In life, we can only be so lucky to cross paths with someone who brings us joy, passion and spark. Why should we discount connections that are designed to be shorter term? Instead of regretting your decision due to lack of longevity, think of how rare it is to meet and share an evening with someone who incites passion.  

At the end of the day, your self worth is not defined by a single romantic encounter, but a collection of experiences, character and values. Instead of blaming yourself for sharing an incredible night of passion, own your decision to engage with your desire, take charge of your sexuality and live your life to the fullest.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

How Do I Make The Switch To Exclusive?

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 37, New York City) [It’s Complicated - actively dating]

“Hi Amy, I’ve recently started putting myself out there and met someone with that instant click. We’ve been out on several dates, we’ve been making vacation plans, and we have hour-long phone calls on off nights. Without a lot of effort, we’re getting closer naturally. This is a relatively new relationship, so I don’t want to rush into things, but at the same time I don’t want to get too intimate or vulnerable with someone who doesn’t have the same plans. I want to make this relationship exclusive before we get too close. How do I make that move into exclusivity?”

Andersen Advice

You can only be so lucky to meet someone that gives you that instant connection. The thrill, the butterflies, the way everything else just blurs into the background; they don’t call it a honeymoon for nothing! As you navigate this, it’s only natural that you start to wonder about sustainability—Could this be something that starts hot and freezes over? Or, could it be something more sustainable?  

Before considering anything, take an objective look at your partner’s level of interest. Do they prioritize time with you? Do they consistently make an effort with your needs in mind? Words are important, but actions carry more weight. You’re looking for similar levels of investment. It can take time to understand if your partner is reliable and consistent, so give yourself some time to determine if they’re ready. 

Even though you’re ready to talk exclusivity, I advise all my clients to take their time before taking this step. You noted that you’re not sure if you two have the “same plan”; exclusivity won’t guarantee the same long-term vision, it just guarantees that exploration for someone else is on hold.  

In lieu of jumping straight into exclusivity, I would suggest weaving in questions that address compatibility. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. Even though you’re looking for answers, remember, this isn’t an interrogation. Be prepared to hear your partner openly, without trying to guide their answers or persuade them to rethink their choices. 

If you’re ready to ask these questions, you should also be ready to answer them. I would start with these:

1. What is your goal in this relationship? A friend? A fling? A soulmate? This answer should help you understand what your partner can handle emotionally.

2. How do you define exclusivity and infidelity? This is going to help both of you figure out your romantic boundaries.

3. What are your expectations around romantic intimacy? Asking this will help you determine alignment on the physical front.

4. What kind of lifestyle would be ideal for you now and in the future? This question is going to help you understand financial expectations.

If you’re missing alignment or certainty around the answers to these questions, I’m not so sure entering an exclusive relationship makes sense if lifelong partnership is your goal. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. If you find yourselves in sync, it's a promising sign that it’s time to make it official.

Moving towards exclusivity is a gradual process; rushing things may lead to unnecessary pressure or strain. Be patient and allow this new relationship to evolve naturally. Healthy, happy, sexy relationships are built over time.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: Communicating Boundaries

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 33, San Francisco) [Single - actively dating]

“I’ve started dating a new guy, and I’ve noticed we’re having trouble in the conflict resolution realm. Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, he gets defensive, makes excuses and we end up arguing. For example, he ran 20 minutes late to pick me up for our last date. When I asked why he didn’t call to let me know, he said that he was in back-to-back meetings and he came to get me as fast as he could. I tried to explain that I appreciated him hurrying, but I felt really hurt that he left me. He said that I needed to relax and be more flexible. Is there a better way for me to convey my needs?”

Andersen Advice

Sounds to me like you’re trying to set boundaries and the conversation isn’t going as smoothly as you’d have hoped. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be very challenging to share when someone has let us down, but it’s a very important conversation to have especially as it prevents resentment from seeping in. 

If your partner isn’t receptive to the feedback, there may be several reasons why. Some people feel immense shame. Others have trouble admitting they’ve made a mistake. While there’s no way to predict your partner’s reaction, I can share best practices to help you share your boundaries in the most clear, direct way possible. 

Firstly, setting boundaries is a foundational part of any relationship. Boundaries help your partner (and everyone else) understand your needs and the behavior you will accept. When you set boundaries and stick to them, you are cultivating space for your personal growth and maintaining your peace—all good things!

With that said, your partner also has a right to set boundaries. If he has tried his best to explain his actions, and you are unsatisfied, he might need to stand his ground. If the relationship is going to work, you both need to respect each other’s boundaries and learn to compromise if your boundaries come into conflict.

Although some intuition by the two of you is important, you can’t always both be mind-readers, and that means this process of mutual “boundary setting” can only occur with healthy communication. Understandably, these talks can be uncomfortable. Maybe one of you withdraws or gets triggered and a simple conversation escalates into an argument. Either way, it’s important to initiate the conversation as calmly as possible and be open to finding a solution. 

To avoid sounding accusatory, opt for “I” statements. For example, instead of “you showed up late again and don’t care about my time”, you could say, “I would appreciate your letting me know when you are running late, or I can start to feel like I’m not prioritized.” 

Giving your partner specifics around your boundaries will also help your partner understand exactly what you need. For example, instead of “you need to text me more often”, you could say something like “It would be nice to hear from you at the end of your day – staying in close touch  matters to me.”

If your partner has a strong reaction every time you mention boundaries or repeatedly shuts you down, it’s a sign that, for whatever reason, he might not be ready to enter a mature relationship with you at this point.  Other signs that might also indicate a lack of readiness include:

1. Lacking empathy—Does your partner dismiss your feelings or gaslight you for conveying uncomfortable emotions? If you mention something that bothered you, is it always in your head or not a big deal?

2. Always having to be right—Does your partner get angry, annoyed, or aloof if you challenge him? Is he unwilling to admit when he’s made a mistake? 

3. History of unstable relationships—Does he say all his exes were “crazy”? Did his past relationships always end on bad terms?

4. Gaslighting—Is it always your fault when problems arise? If you mention something that bothered you, does he make you feel like you’re always the problem?

If any of these signs resonate, I hope you will reconsider staying in your relationship. For partnerships to grow and evolve, it takes firstly, an ability to communicate mutual boundaries and, secondly, the desire to respect them. I encourage you to find a partner who appreciates this level of communication.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: Are You Ready To Date Again?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Sometimes, I meet clients who have just ended long-term relationships and are eager to get back out there. As much as I love the enthusiasm, I am an even bigger advocate for romantic readiness. What do I mean by this? Let’s take a closer look.

It doesn’t matter if you ended the relationship or your partner did, breakups carry emotional weight and the healing that needs to happen afterwards takes time. How much time? Well, that answer depends on so many variables. While I can’t offer you a definitive timeline, I can help you gauge your readiness.

Question #1: Are you really over the ex?

Let’s be honest here. Are you still googling your ex? Still keeping tabs on their Instagram? Asking mutual friends how the ex is doing? If so, I probably don’t need to tell you that you’re not ready for your next relationship. If the ex is still lingering on your mind and in your browser history, you’ll find yourself comparing every new date to your ex—wasting your time and everyone else’s.

If you’re still struggling with unresolved feelings from your previous relationship, you won’t be fully available for your next partner and you won’t be in the right mind set to recognize compatibility.

Question #2: Are you okay being alone?

As you’re healing, you might be tempted to distract yourself with flings or telling yourself that everything will be solved once you find a replacement partner. This mindset might offer some temporary relief, but ultimately it’s just a band aid for the bigger issue—you’re uncomfortable being alone.

When you’re comfortable being alone, you’re less likely to settle for the wrong person and more likely to choose a partner with whom you are truly compatible. If you can cultivate peace and joy on your own, you will be able to detect partners who complement your energy and, equally importantly, discern potential partners who aren’t aligned.

Question #3: Does vulnerability scare you?

To make the strong, emotional connections needed for a sustainable relationship, you’ll need to communicate vulnerability and openness. Talking about your sensitivities and revealing the less fabulous parts of yourself may put you at risk for rejection and heartbreak, but it’s the glue that will take your relationship to the next level.

If you’re still healing, putting yourself in a place that’s open to potentially more pain could prolong your healing process. Sharing vulnerability from a place of strength will allow you to handle any type of response.

Question #4: Did you figure out what went wrong?

Breakups are always painful, but they also provide the biggest opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Maybe you’ve realized how you can be a better partner. Maybe you’ve realized what makes a better partner for you. Either way, the close of each relationship is designed to help you optimize for the next one. Once you start reframing the past relationship as a lesson versus a complete disaster, you’re primed to make better choices in your next relationship.

Question #5: Are you excited to meet new people?

When the agony of your breakup subsides, you’ll have created some space to meet new people and welcome some fresh experiences. But, until then, the prospect of meeting someone new can feel absolutely overwhelming. Check-in with yourself and answer honestly: Are you truly excited for partnership and new adventure? Or, are you simply trying to escape heartbreak?

Final note, getting date ready after a breakup is a process. Giving yourself the time to grieve and heal will pave the way for better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. I promise that time will heal your heart and, when you are ready, I’ll be here to help you find your next perfect partner.

Affectionately yours,

Amy