How to forgive a cheating partner…
according to science
The pain of heartbreak coupled with a partner’s dishonesty is devastating. Most couples build trust over so many dates over so many months and all of this can crumble in moments in the wake of cheating. If your partner has been unfaithful, it can feel impossible to forgive and rebuild the relationship, but there is hope. I have seen many couples work through broken trust and come back together even stronger.
So, how is it possible to forgive a cheating partner? Firstly, you’ll need to understand why your partner cheated in the first place. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the top reasons people strayed from their partners included feeling generally dissatisfied with their partner, dealing with boredom in the bedroom or struggling to connect emotionally. Pinpointing where your relationship struggles the most will help you know where to focus your attention as you rebuild.
Getting back on track is also going to require a lot of open, honest communication. Discussing what went wrong and how to get back on track are heavy, difficult conversations, but getting vulnerable with each other can help you build empathy for your unfaithful partner. Remember, empathizing with your partner does not excuse their behavior, but it is a way to make it easier to understand and eventually forgive their behavior.
In addition to the open communication, setting boundaries helped partners rebuild shattered trust even faster. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who established boundaries and expectations after cheating were more likely to stay together and report greater relationship satisfaction. This could be like “rules” around messaging on social media, sharing locations or checking in at the end of the night. It may not sound romantic, but oversharing demonstrates a commitment to transparency.
Finally, I can’t recommend couples therapy enough. Talking through what happened and opening up about the path forward can be much easier with professional support. Therapists can help mediate conversations that escalate and also help both of you communicate through those underlying issues that put so much stress on the relationship to begin with. Additionally, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, couples who went to therapy after infidelity were more likely to be satisfied with their relationship and more likely to forgive compared to couples who tried to repair their relationships without professional help.
At the end of the day, forgiving your partner doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Forgiving is a way to free yourself from the pain and anger caused by the partner. Deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who broke your trust is an arduous process, but if your partner is worth it, he or she will work with you (hopefully with a therapist!) to communicate openly, establish and stick to boundaries, and reassure you—through words and actions—that it was a one-time mistake.
Affectionately yours,
Amy