DateSpot Interview for Matchmakers- Amy Andersen

Photo by: Annie Barnette

Interview By: Carla Swiryn , CEO & Founder of DateSpot

A Note from Amy Andersen: I was thrilled to reconnect with my esteemed colleague and dear friend, Carla Swiryn, for a written interview to shed light on the partnership between Linx Dating and DateSpot (DS).

With some of our clientele intersecting, and other potential clients clearly better suited to one of us, we've forged a harmonious referral relationship where Linx caters to the high end of the market as DateSpot offers matchmaking that is more accessible to the masses. Our collaboration thrives by ensuring that everyone can receive meticulous attention.

This interview delves into the inner workings of my business, sheds light on the dynamics of the matchmaking industry in general, reveals some of the keys to my own marriage success, and highlights numerous experiences I have had with singles navigating the dating landscape.

If you're interested in DateSpot's affordable, pay-per-match process, check it out here and add Amy at Linx as the referrer on signup.

“Ask anyone who is the most elite matchmaker in Northern California, and you will undoubtedly hear Amy’s name. Linx Dating's Founder, Amy Andersen (AA), has been matching high caliber, marriage-minded professionals for over twenty years (since 2003), with a focus on Silicon Valley, though she selectively takes on clients worldwide.

I am proud to say that Linx Dating (www.linxdating.com) was one of DateSpot’s first partners vetted and approved to access our candidate platform (to secure potential matches for their own database). In getting to know her over the years, it’s clear that through her friendly and classy charm, empathy, intuition, responsiveness, humor, and dedication, she has earned one of the highest reputations in the industry.

As the Founder of DateSpot (DS), I had the opportunity to ask her some questions to get to know more about her background, views, and ultra-successful business.

I decided to split her thoughtful answers into two parts - one blog post geared towards matchmakers and the other for singles.

I'm first sharing her answers geared towards matchmakers, so if you’re a professional in the industry or considering becoming one, perk up your ears and check out what she said…

DS: How did you enter the world of matchmaking and when did you know you could do this professionally?

AA: I was living in Silicon Valley in the height of the dot com era and was struck by how the men down in the Valley couldn’t find accessible, attractive, and extraordinary women, and how my female friends up in San Francisco couldn’t find a guy to commit. My idea literally came from pure observation about the dismal dating scene in Silicon Valley and a huge surplus of attractive brainy women in San Francisco.

I initially started matching these groups to each other for free and worked out of a Starbucks or Peets (whichever didn’t eventually kick me out) to save money, and eventually people wanted to pay to get more attention and better service. Then I knew I had a business. I had always loved putting people together and hosting little gatherings and Soirees but never thought I would actually start a matchmaking business until the opportunity in front of me was too good to be true.

DS: What advice do you have for aspiring matchmakers or people considering the occupation?

AA: This can be an extremely fun and rewarding business but also brutally tough to build, scale and differentiate yourself. You need to hugely patient, persistent, focused, and not easily discouraged. And you’d better love (mostly) what you do. Beyond this, you need to have a substantial network of singles already in place or ideas of how to generate a network. I started my business having grown up in the San Francisco Bay Area which helped a lot in the early days of building my network. You also better develop a very thick skin. I think a lot of people think this industry must be all “peaches and cream” working in such a happy business but the reality is we are dealing with extremely sensitive situations, matters of the heart, tough and demanding Clients and beyond this, running a business is really, really hard work. You need to have intuition, people skills, enjoy people of all walks of life and backgrounds, have sensitivities and compassion, not be judgmental, and beyond this some sort of business acumen.

‍DS: What lessons have you learned at Linx that could apply to any business owner?

AA: Start with a relatively narrow focus, super-serve your customers in that niche, and do that part extremely well. The key to success is thinking local versus global. Too many entrepreneurs start their business thinking about global expansion versus staying local and doing the best job you can do in your own market.

The growth will come organically from there. Also, keep all options open and pursue opportunities and relationships that you come across - you never know from where or when those breakthrough moments could come. Take meetings with all sorts of people, keep an open-mind, friendly attitude, and network. Have business cards on you.

There is something really nice about actually handing someone a card (more of an art then days) and taking the time to look at it and keep it in your rolodex of contacts.

DS: Maintaining confidentiality of course, can you share a story or scenario of one of the strangest requests or client searches?

AA: I have had some strange ones - one, in particular, was where a client was seeking a curvy, more voluptuous woman who was a graduate from one specific prestigious University. I am regularly asked by my clients to initially disclose information about them to their match that they might think would be hard to address themselves on a first date - that can be anything from a health condition to a strange preference. I get a lot of practice in the art of awkward conversations. I never judge anyone’s requests or preferences. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

DS: If you could do anything professionally other than matchmaking, what would it be?

AA: Oh I love this question! If it were based on pure passion, I might be a marine biologist, astronaut, dermatologist or do something in art like a crazy artist splashing paint on paint canvases blasting music with apprentices helping me. But as far as translating professional skills, I would probably be a natural in real estate, as I have a great network, and love sales, brokering deals, and designing spaces. I enjoy art, architecture, style, and creating a beautiful living space. I also love helping people achieve their dreams and goals.

DS: Why do you think you've been so successful?

AA: Incessant hard work, dedication and focus, a consistent and honest commitment to the brand that epitomizes me and my business and, perhaps most importantly, some really great luck along the way.

It’s hard for me to believe it’s been over 20 years that I have been running Linx Dating. To be honest, not a day has gone by in the last two decades that I am not thinking about my work. I’ve always had a fire in my belly as an entrepreneur and the flame has only intensified as my business has grown. To me each and every day is exciting. I wake up each morning grateful there is still a demand and thankful for my spectacular clients. I am excited to see how each and every day unfolds and the challenges that come with it. For me it’s still really fun and that’s what keeps me going!

‍DS: How do you think the matchmaking industry has evolved over the past 10 or 20 years?

AA: When I started my business in 2003, the notion of hiring a professional matchmaker definitely raised some eyebrows and was considered slightly taboo and maybe even a little controversial. It wasn’t for everyone and sometimes people back then assumed something was “wrong” with you if you needed to hire a matchmaker.

Fast forward some 20 years later - hiring a matchmaking has become very normalized and one could argue, en vogue. When I first started my business, there were a few key players in the space- mostly the big matchmaking services that were far more commercialized and not a lot of niche based matchmakers available. There were no apps when I started Linx and only a few dating websites like Yahoo Personals, Match, and eHarmony.

‍In the last 10 years, there have been hundreds of niche matchmakers opening shops all across the country and we have seen the rise of countless choices for dating apps. Even with sophisticated dating apps, I find a lot of singles experience real app fatigue are tired of the misrepresentations, the lack of privacy, and the poor odds. As such, I see that dating apps have reinforced the need for personalization and vetting and this is one of the many reasons the matchmaking industry has exploded with growth.

It’s an exciting time to be in the industry and has become a natural resource and obvious choice for many single men and women as compared to some 15-20 years ago.

‍DS: What are your current initiatives?

AA: A heavy focus on super-serving a smaller number of elite VIP clients. My business has evolved to primarily focus on a handful of very specialized, ultra intense VIP searches. It’s the most challenging work in the world in my humble opinion. It’s like having a puzzle and finding the missing piece in the puzzle for the search. My VIP clients basically have this incredible life with all the puzzle pieces lined up from years of hard work and so much success but the one missing piece is their match and life partner. It’s such an honor to get to figure out how to find that missing puzzle piece and when I figure it out for them and the piece fits so uniquely into that giant puzzle that represents my clients extraordinary life, a true miracle has happened. I love love and I love what I do so much!

Amy wanted to end with “Thank you for this opportunity to talk with your network about Linx and matchmaking. I am honored to have spoken to you all today.”

Spoken by a true gracious queen. Thank you, Amy! We look forward to sharing Part 2 for Singles soon!”

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Should I Sign The Prenup? Here’s Why It’s a Good Idea

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

The idea of a prenuptial agreement—or prenup—isn’t our favorite part of the fairytale wedding. After all, when you’re planning your wedding, the last thing you want to think about is the possibility of a divorce. However, as much as we’d like to believe in the happily ever after, the truth is that not all marriages last forever. So, before you say, “I do,” there’s an important conversation that you and your partner should have: the prenup talk.

The idea of a prenup doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a smart move for any couple, regardless of income or assets. You might want to think about it like an insurance policy for your marriage.

No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, but the reality is that many first-time marriages do—almost half. The prenup works as an insurance policy; it protects you and your partner in case the worst happens and outlines exactly what to expect in case of a divorce.

Should your marriage need to end, the prenup will save you the long, expensive divorce of your nightmares. With a prenup, you’ll already know how to split the assets and debts, so, instead of dealing with expensive lawyers to decide who owes what, everything is already sorted. Save yourselves the headaches and trauma and spell out the contingency plans.

If you have significant personal assets, a prenup will make sure everything that’s yours stays yours. This is particularly important if you own a business or have inherited assets. Without a prenup, ownership runs into gray areas, and you might not be entitled to everything you thought you owned.

A prenup can also be a useful tool for setting expectations and discussing important issues before tying the knot. Talking about money, for example, can be uncomfortable, but it’s an important conversation to have before getting married. Working on the prenup will help you both establish financial transparency and have a clear understanding of each other’s financial goals, concerns and status.

Many people are hesitant to broach the topic of a prenup with a partner. This conversation can feel unromantic and pessimistic, so try to think of it as a relationship-building tool. Working through the details of a prenup with your partner requires trust and communication, building blocks for any successful marriage.

Ready to have the prenup conversation? Keep an open mind and a willingness to listen to your partner’s concerns. Remember, a prenup isn’t just about protecting your own assets—it’s about creating a fair agreement that works for both of you. 

Ask Amy: Communicating Boundaries

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 33, San Francisco) [Single - actively dating]

“I’ve started dating a new guy, and I’ve noticed we’re having trouble in the conflict resolution realm. Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, he gets defensive, makes excuses and we end up arguing. For example, he ran 20 minutes late to pick me up for our last date. When I asked why he didn’t call to let me know, he said that he was in back-to-back meetings and he came to get me as fast as he could. I tried to explain that I appreciated him hurrying, but I felt really hurt that he left me. He said that I needed to relax and be more flexible. Is there a better way for me to convey my needs?”

Andersen Advice

Sounds to me like you’re trying to set boundaries and the conversation isn’t going as smoothly as you’d have hoped. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be very challenging to share when someone has let us down, but it’s a very important conversation to have especially as it prevents resentment from seeping in. 

If your partner isn’t receptive to the feedback, there may be several reasons why. Some people feel immense shame. Others have trouble admitting they’ve made a mistake. While there’s no way to predict your partner’s reaction, I can share best practices to help you share your boundaries in the most clear, direct way possible. 

Firstly, setting boundaries is a foundational part of any relationship. Boundaries help your partner (and everyone else) understand your needs and the behavior you will accept. When you set boundaries and stick to them, you are cultivating space for your personal growth and maintaining your peace—all good things!

With that said, your partner also has a right to set boundaries. If he has tried his best to explain his actions, and you are unsatisfied, he might need to stand his ground. If the relationship is going to work, you both need to respect each other’s boundaries and learn to compromise if your boundaries come into conflict.

Although some intuition by the two of you is important, you can’t always both be mind-readers, and that means this process of mutual “boundary setting” can only occur with healthy communication. Understandably, these talks can be uncomfortable. Maybe one of you withdraws or gets triggered and a simple conversation escalates into an argument. Either way, it’s important to initiate the conversation as calmly as possible and be open to finding a solution. 

To avoid sounding accusatory, opt for “I” statements. For example, instead of “you showed up late again and don’t care about my time”, you could say, “I would appreciate your letting me know when you are running late, or I can start to feel like I’m not prioritized.” 

Giving your partner specifics around your boundaries will also help your partner understand exactly what you need. For example, instead of “you need to text me more often”, you could say something like “It would be nice to hear from you at the end of your day – staying in close touch  matters to me.”

If your partner has a strong reaction every time you mention boundaries or repeatedly shuts you down, it’s a sign that, for whatever reason, he might not be ready to enter a mature relationship with you at this point.  Other signs that might also indicate a lack of readiness include:

1. Lacking empathy—Does your partner dismiss your feelings or gaslight you for conveying uncomfortable emotions? If you mention something that bothered you, is it always in your head or not a big deal?

2. Always having to be right—Does your partner get angry, annoyed, or aloof if you challenge him? Is he unwilling to admit when he’s made a mistake? 

3. History of unstable relationships—Does he say all his exes were “crazy”? Did his past relationships always end on bad terms?

4. Gaslighting—Is it always your fault when problems arise? If you mention something that bothered you, does he make you feel like you’re always the problem?

If any of these signs resonate, I hope you will reconsider staying in your relationship. For partnerships to grow and evolve, it takes firstly, an ability to communicate mutual boundaries and, secondly, the desire to respect them. I encourage you to find a partner who appreciates this level of communication.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: Are You Ready To Date Again?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Sometimes, I meet clients who have just ended long-term relationships and are eager to get back out there. As much as I love the enthusiasm, I am an even bigger advocate for romantic readiness. What do I mean by this? Let’s take a closer look.

It doesn’t matter if you ended the relationship or your partner did, breakups carry emotional weight and the healing that needs to happen afterwards takes time. How much time? Well, that answer depends on so many variables. While I can’t offer you a definitive timeline, I can help you gauge your readiness.

Question #1: Are you really over the ex?

Let’s be honest here. Are you still googling your ex? Still keeping tabs on their Instagram? Asking mutual friends how the ex is doing? If so, I probably don’t need to tell you that you’re not ready for your next relationship. If the ex is still lingering on your mind and in your browser history, you’ll find yourself comparing every new date to your ex—wasting your time and everyone else’s.

If you’re still struggling with unresolved feelings from your previous relationship, you won’t be fully available for your next partner and you won’t be in the right mind set to recognize compatibility.

Question #2: Are you okay being alone?

As you’re healing, you might be tempted to distract yourself with flings or telling yourself that everything will be solved once you find a replacement partner. This mindset might offer some temporary relief, but ultimately it’s just a band aid for the bigger issue—you’re uncomfortable being alone.

When you’re comfortable being alone, you’re less likely to settle for the wrong person and more likely to choose a partner with whom you are truly compatible. If you can cultivate peace and joy on your own, you will be able to detect partners who complement your energy and, equally importantly, discern potential partners who aren’t aligned.

Question #3: Does vulnerability scare you?

To make the strong, emotional connections needed for a sustainable relationship, you’ll need to communicate vulnerability and openness. Talking about your sensitivities and revealing the less fabulous parts of yourself may put you at risk for rejection and heartbreak, but it’s the glue that will take your relationship to the next level.

If you’re still healing, putting yourself in a place that’s open to potentially more pain could prolong your healing process. Sharing vulnerability from a place of strength will allow you to handle any type of response.

Question #4: Did you figure out what went wrong?

Breakups are always painful, but they also provide the biggest opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Maybe you’ve realized how you can be a better partner. Maybe you’ve realized what makes a better partner for you. Either way, the close of each relationship is designed to help you optimize for the next one. Once you start reframing the past relationship as a lesson versus a complete disaster, you’re primed to make better choices in your next relationship.

Question #5: Are you excited to meet new people?

When the agony of your breakup subsides, you’ll have created some space to meet new people and welcome some fresh experiences. But, until then, the prospect of meeting someone new can feel absolutely overwhelming. Check-in with yourself and answer honestly: Are you truly excited for partnership and new adventure? Or, are you simply trying to escape heartbreak?

Final note, getting date ready after a breakup is a process. Giving yourself the time to grieve and heal will pave the way for better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. I promise that time will heal your heart and, when you are ready, I’ll be here to help you find your next perfect partner.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How To Talk With a New Partner About Your Previous Divorce

Talking to a new partner about your divorce—or any other end to a serious relationship—isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary piece in building long-term intimacy. Leaving mystery around your separation can cause unnecessary drama in your new relationship, but it can be easily prevented with some thoughtful planning and reflection. Of course, it’s only natural to feel hesitant or nervous about bringing up the past, but it's important to spearhead open and honest conversations with your partner to ensure a stronger future together. 

Here’s how I recommend handling the details around your divorce with a new partner:

#1 Opening up

If the details of your divorce make your blood boil or you find yourself spinning when you recount the end, chances are you’ve got more to process. Instead of including your partner in your processing, take your time and work through your feelings separately. Consider working with a therapist before unintentionally unloading on your new partner. The bottom line here is that you need to have healed from the aftermath of your prior relationship before starting fresh with someone new. 

#2 Starting the conversation 

We all have a past; there’s no reason to hide yours from someone with whom you are actively trying to build a new relationship. Start the conversation with something simple: “I realized we haven’t discussed my divorce. It helped me realize who I want to be in a relationship and what I’m looking for, and I want to give you an opportunity to ask any questions.” If your partner is curious and receptive, get intentional about how and when to discuss the details. 

#3 Owning your mistakes

When you discuss your divorce with your new partner, there’s no need to play the blame game or, worse, adopt a victim mentality. Convey the broad strokes, such as why the marriage ended, what you learned from the experience, and how it's shaped your perspective on partnership. If your partner wants more detail than you feel comfortable providing, you can say that some of the more painful experiences are difficult to discuss, but you can revisit them later. Let them know that regardless of what you’re able to discuss, the chapter with your ex has closed and you are excited about your fresh start.

#4 Assure your partner

Your partner may have questions or concerns about your divorce—especially if they haven’t been married before. Be patient with them; they are navigating new territory and evaluating how your divorce could potentially affect your relationship. 

According to the American Psychological Association, the most common reason cited for divorce is "irreconcilable differences," followed by infidelity and money issues. If your divorce falls into the first category, explain what those differences were and how you are focusing on alignment within your current relationship. If it falls into infidelity or money issues, it’s important to focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to avoid the same problems in subsequent relationships. 

#5 Focus on the future

No matter how messy or challenging your divorce was, you made it through. Divorce teaches us about ourselves and what we truly value in partnership. This knowledge paves the way for healthier, happier more meaningful relationships. Talking about your divorce and learnings after healing shows strength and maturity—qualities you need to make your next relationship last.

Helping clients rebuild their lives in the wake of divorce is just another part of successful matchmaking. No matter how messy, there is always a way forward. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, “Divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience, but many individuals report feeling a sense of relief and greater happiness after their divorce”, so just remember, you’ve gotten through the hard part. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy