How To Forgive a Cheating Partner... According To Science

How to forgive a cheating partner…

according to science

The pain of heartbreak coupled with a partner’s dishonesty is devastating. Most couples build trust over so many dates over so many months and all of this can crumble in moments in the wake of cheating. If your partner has been unfaithful, it can feel impossible to forgive and rebuild the relationship, but there is hope. I have seen many couples work through broken trust and come back together even stronger.

So, how is it possible to forgive a cheating partner? Firstly, you’ll need to understand why your partner cheated in the first place. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the top reasons people strayed from their partners included feeling generally dissatisfied with their partner, dealing with boredom in the bedroom or struggling to connect emotionally. Pinpointing where your relationship struggles the most will help you know where to focus your attention as you rebuild. 

Getting back on track is also going to require a lot of open, honest communication. Discussing what went wrong and how to get back on track are heavy, difficult conversations, but getting vulnerable with each other can help you build empathy for your unfaithful partner. Remember, empathizing with your partner does not excuse their behavior, but it is a way to make it easier to understand and eventually forgive their behavior. 

In addition to the open communication, setting boundaries helped partners rebuild shattered trust even faster. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who established boundaries and expectations after cheating were more likely to stay together and report greater relationship satisfaction. This could be like “rules” around messaging on social media, sharing locations or checking in at the end of the night. It may not sound romantic, but oversharing demonstrates a commitment to transparency. 

Finally, I can’t recommend couples therapy enough. Talking through what happened and opening up about the path forward can be much easier with professional support. Therapists can help mediate conversations that escalate and also help both of you communicate through those underlying issues that put so much stress on the relationship to begin with. Additionally, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, couples who went to therapy after infidelity were more likely to be satisfied with their relationship and more likely to forgive compared to couples who tried to repair their relationships without professional help.

At the end of the day, forgiving your partner doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Forgiving is a way to free yourself from the pain and anger caused by the partner. Deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who broke your trust is an arduous process, but if your partner is worth it, he or she will work with you (hopefully with a therapist!) to communicate openly, establish and stick to boundaries, and reassure you—through words and actions—that it was a one-time mistake. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Should I Sign The Prenup? Here’s Why It’s a Good Idea

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

The idea of a prenuptial agreement—or prenup—isn’t our favorite part of the fairytale wedding. After all, when you’re planning your wedding, the last thing you want to think about is the possibility of a divorce. However, as much as we’d like to believe in the happily ever after, the truth is that not all marriages last forever. So, before you say, “I do,” there’s an important conversation that you and your partner should have: the prenup talk.

The idea of a prenup doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a smart move for any couple, regardless of income or assets. You might want to think about it like an insurance policy for your marriage.

No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, but the reality is that many first-time marriages do—almost half. The prenup works as an insurance policy; it protects you and your partner in case the worst happens and outlines exactly what to expect in case of a divorce.

Should your marriage need to end, the prenup will save you the long, expensive divorce of your nightmares. With a prenup, you’ll already know how to split the assets and debts, so, instead of dealing with expensive lawyers to decide who owes what, everything is already sorted. Save yourselves the headaches and trauma and spell out the contingency plans.

If you have significant personal assets, a prenup will make sure everything that’s yours stays yours. This is particularly important if you own a business or have inherited assets. Without a prenup, ownership runs into gray areas, and you might not be entitled to everything you thought you owned.

A prenup can also be a useful tool for setting expectations and discussing important issues before tying the knot. Talking about money, for example, can be uncomfortable, but it’s an important conversation to have before getting married. Working on the prenup will help you both establish financial transparency and have a clear understanding of each other’s financial goals, concerns and status.

Many people are hesitant to broach the topic of a prenup with a partner. This conversation can feel unromantic and pessimistic, so try to think of it as a relationship-building tool. Working through the details of a prenup with your partner requires trust and communication, building blocks for any successful marriage.

Ready to have the prenup conversation? Keep an open mind and a willingness to listen to your partner’s concerns. Remember, a prenup isn’t just about protecting your own assets—it’s about creating a fair agreement that works for both of you. 

One Night Stands: The Power of Choice

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When a client is looking for a relationship, they are evaluating partners with specific criteria, like shared goals, religion or values. But, the path to finding “the one” can be long, and it’s not uncommon to meet some spectacular—yet short-term—prospects. When something like this happens, and passion takes the wheel, you might opt for a one-night stand. Such an experience can bring up a whole range of emotions, but fear not, I’m here to guide you through it.

Getting caught up in a night of passion can feel absolutely mind altering in the moment, but the next morning may feel like a different story. I’ve had many daters reach out to me with guilt and shame after a one night stand, so I wanted to offer some perspective. Before rushing to judge yourself, maybe you can remember the following:

1. Sex is a biological need

You made a decision to engage with your biological need to have sex. Why is helping yourself fulfill this human need shameful? Why are you having trouble considering this a part of your health and wellness ritual? Though you may wish to fulfill these desires within a committed relationship, you can’t control when you meet someone who makes you feel like committing. Do you think it’s healthy to let your body experience long periods without physical connection? 

2. There is no appropriate number of sexual partners

Instead of allowing society to determine the “appropriate” number of sexual partners, try thinking about your unique recipe for personal fulfillment. Not all women share the same desire for sex, why should one number work for all of them? Not all men are interested in sex over a relationship, so why should they be perceived as such? These double standards for men and women create an unfair environment for everyone. Reject these threads and create the framework that’s appropriate for you. 

3. Your health is your responsibility 

As a sexual being, it is up to you to decide what is best for your body. One-night stands can be a way for you to express physical desires without any strings attached. Instead of judging yourself, consider your one-night stand an intentional choice that allowed you to work with your sexuality instead of against it. 

4. Experiences are tools of self-discovery

Trying new things helps us get to know who we truly are. What can you learn from your one-night stand that might help you achieve better sexual satisfaction in the future? What increased your pleasure? What would you do differently? There’s a lesson in everything; what did your one-night stand teach you? 

5. Not all strong connections are meant to be long term

In life, we can only be so lucky to cross paths with someone who brings us joy, passion and spark. Why should we discount connections that are designed to be shorter term? Instead of regretting your decision due to lack of longevity, think of how rare it is to meet and share an evening with someone who incites passion.  

At the end of the day, your self worth is not defined by a single romantic encounter, but a collection of experiences, character and values. Instead of blaming yourself for sharing an incredible night of passion, own your decision to engage with your desire, take charge of your sexuality and live your life to the fullest.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

How Do I Make The Switch To Exclusive?

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 37, New York City) [It’s Complicated - actively dating]

“Hi Amy, I’ve recently started putting myself out there and met someone with that instant click. We’ve been out on several dates, we’ve been making vacation plans, and we have hour-long phone calls on off nights. Without a lot of effort, we’re getting closer naturally. This is a relatively new relationship, so I don’t want to rush into things, but at the same time I don’t want to get too intimate or vulnerable with someone who doesn’t have the same plans. I want to make this relationship exclusive before we get too close. How do I make that move into exclusivity?”

Andersen Advice

You can only be so lucky to meet someone that gives you that instant connection. The thrill, the butterflies, the way everything else just blurs into the background; they don’t call it a honeymoon for nothing! As you navigate this, it’s only natural that you start to wonder about sustainability—Could this be something that starts hot and freezes over? Or, could it be something more sustainable?  

Before considering anything, take an objective look at your partner’s level of interest. Do they prioritize time with you? Do they consistently make an effort with your needs in mind? Words are important, but actions carry more weight. You’re looking for similar levels of investment. It can take time to understand if your partner is reliable and consistent, so give yourself some time to determine if they’re ready. 

Even though you’re ready to talk exclusivity, I advise all my clients to take their time before taking this step. You noted that you’re not sure if you two have the “same plan”; exclusivity won’t guarantee the same long-term vision, it just guarantees that exploration for someone else is on hold.  

In lieu of jumping straight into exclusivity, I would suggest weaving in questions that address compatibility. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. Even though you’re looking for answers, remember, this isn’t an interrogation. Be prepared to hear your partner openly, without trying to guide their answers or persuade them to rethink their choices. 

If you’re ready to ask these questions, you should also be ready to answer them. I would start with these:

1. What is your goal in this relationship? A friend? A fling? A soulmate? This answer should help you understand what your partner can handle emotionally.

2. How do you define exclusivity and infidelity? This is going to help both of you figure out your romantic boundaries.

3. What are your expectations around romantic intimacy? Asking this will help you determine alignment on the physical front.

4. What kind of lifestyle would be ideal for you now and in the future? This question is going to help you understand financial expectations.

If you’re missing alignment or certainty around the answers to these questions, I’m not so sure entering an exclusive relationship makes sense if lifelong partnership is your goal. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. If you find yourselves in sync, it's a promising sign that it’s time to make it official.

Moving towards exclusivity is a gradual process; rushing things may lead to unnecessary pressure or strain. Be patient and allow this new relationship to evolve naturally. Healthy, happy, sexy relationships are built over time.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Transforming Anxiety Into Confidence When Dating

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, it’s important that you

a) Actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person.

b) Let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that it’s a good idea. So let’s assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual… if you aren’t the world’s most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?

Here are three ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you don’t think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.

1. Make a list, and check it twice…

I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. He was concerned that his date might not like him for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a woman he hadn’t even met. While it’s healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, he was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this – particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your hands and runners legs? Turns out you’re one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You were born with a space between your front teeth? You can make a gourmet Indian meal out of almost anything?  You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship?

Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Don’t focus on the possible perceived negatives as that provokes anxiety. Don’t highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesn’t appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, you’re creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.

2. Talk to Strangers…

One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety… you know, the stuff that sets in when we’re about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you don’t know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesn’t provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but it’s still up to you to do the heavy lifting. 

There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and that’s to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions… asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply don’t find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you don’t find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who aren’t available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.

3. Find a Coach…

If you’re doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. It’s also a wonderful way to combat anxiety from a holistic perspective. 

Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence, self-esteem, and work to overcome anxiety. Even if you think you’re “doing fine” on issues of self worth, there isn’t much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that it’s ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that we’d probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that won’t. You can’t have what you don’t ask for, and you’ll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if it’s not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all you have to offer is a key first step in finding a real, deep, and everlasting relationship.