Ask Amy: Communicating Boundaries

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 33, San Francisco) [Single - actively dating]

“I’ve started dating a new guy, and I’ve noticed we’re having trouble in the conflict resolution realm. Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, he gets defensive, makes excuses and we end up arguing. For example, he ran 20 minutes late to pick me up for our last date. When I asked why he didn’t call to let me know, he said that he was in back-to-back meetings and he came to get me as fast as he could. I tried to explain that I appreciated him hurrying, but I felt really hurt that he left me. He said that I needed to relax and be more flexible. Is there a better way for me to convey my needs?”

Andersen Advice

Sounds to me like you’re trying to set boundaries and the conversation isn’t going as smoothly as you’d have hoped. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be very challenging to share when someone has let us down, but it’s a very important conversation to have especially as it prevents resentment from seeping in. 

If your partner isn’t receptive to the feedback, there may be several reasons why. Some people feel immense shame. Others have trouble admitting they’ve made a mistake. While there’s no way to predict your partner’s reaction, I can share best practices to help you share your boundaries in the most clear, direct way possible. 

Firstly, setting boundaries is a foundational part of any relationship. Boundaries help your partner (and everyone else) understand your needs and the behavior you will accept. When you set boundaries and stick to them, you are cultivating space for your personal growth and maintaining your peace—all good things!

With that said, your partner also has a right to set boundaries. If he has tried his best to explain his actions, and you are unsatisfied, he might need to stand his ground. If the relationship is going to work, you both need to respect each other’s boundaries and learn to compromise if your boundaries come into conflict.

Although some intuition by the two of you is important, you can’t always both be mind-readers, and that means this process of mutual “boundary setting” can only occur with healthy communication. Understandably, these talks can be uncomfortable. Maybe one of you withdraws or gets triggered and a simple conversation escalates into an argument. Either way, it’s important to initiate the conversation as calmly as possible and be open to finding a solution. 

To avoid sounding accusatory, opt for “I” statements. For example, instead of “you showed up late again and don’t care about my time”, you could say, “I would appreciate your letting me know when you are running late, or I can start to feel like I’m not prioritized.” 

Giving your partner specifics around your boundaries will also help your partner understand exactly what you need. For example, instead of “you need to text me more often”, you could say something like “It would be nice to hear from you at the end of your day – staying in close touch  matters to me.”

If your partner has a strong reaction every time you mention boundaries or repeatedly shuts you down, it’s a sign that, for whatever reason, he might not be ready to enter a mature relationship with you at this point.  Other signs that might also indicate a lack of readiness include:

1. Lacking empathy—Does your partner dismiss your feelings or gaslight you for conveying uncomfortable emotions? If you mention something that bothered you, is it always in your head or not a big deal?

2. Always having to be right—Does your partner get angry, annoyed, or aloof if you challenge him? Is he unwilling to admit when he’s made a mistake? 

3. History of unstable relationships—Does he say all his exes were “crazy”? Did his past relationships always end on bad terms?

4. Gaslighting—Is it always your fault when problems arise? If you mention something that bothered you, does he make you feel like you’re always the problem?

If any of these signs resonate, I hope you will reconsider staying in your relationship. For partnerships to grow and evolve, it takes firstly, an ability to communicate mutual boundaries and, secondly, the desire to respect them. I encourage you to find a partner who appreciates this level of communication.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

How To Deal With Being Single and Feeling Lonely

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Going solo can have its benefits—freedom, flexibility and "me-time"—but it's easy to feel lonely. But fear not: research reveals that loneliness is a universal emotion many of us experience from time to time. That said, there are plenty of things you can do while riding the single wave so don't be afraid to practice some selfcare. Connecting with yourself and others will help ease those lonesome feelings until your next relationship comes along.

Embrace solitude

Taking time to be alone can open up opportunities for self-reflection and personal development. Use this opportunity to evaluate all aspects of your life, craft achievable goals, or work on inspiring projects. Embracing solitude helps cultivate a sense of independence while also making it easier not to feel lonely in the future. 

Connect with others

While solitude can be beneficial, it's also important to invest in relationships. Whether it's through friends, family, or community, spending time with others can help you feel less lonely and more connected. Trying new group activities will bring you closer to people who share similar interests.

Pursue your passions

If you want to feel more alive and connected, try unleashing your passions! From painting masterpieces to playing music or writing stories - when we explore our hobbies with enthusiasm it can help us create a purposeful life that's filled with joy. So don't be afraid; reach out for the things you love and make them part of who you are.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community, meet new people, and make a positive impact in the world. You'll feel good knowing that you're making a difference, and you'll also meet new people who share your values and interests.

Travel

Packing your bags for a new destination can infuse your life with wonder and gratitude. It’s a great way to experience new cultures, meet new people, and get out of your comfort zone. Whether it's a solo trip or a group tour, traveling can be a great way to push you out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons.

Adopt a pet

Bringing a new four-legged critter home has immense benefits. In a recent study concerning loneliness, studies that were conducted after the outbreak of COVID-19 mostly showed that pet ownership can contribute to lower levels of loneliness. Pets can provide us with unconditional love and comfort, and they can also be great companions. Just make sure you're ready for the responsibilities that come with pet ownership.

Start a gratitude practice

Sometimes, feeling lonely can be a result of focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. Starting a gratitude practice can help you shift your focus to the good things in your life and to feel more content and fulfilled.

Embracing your single life doesn't have to be lonely. Instead of fretting, find ways to fill the time with meaningful moments and personal growth. Reach out to friends, lean into hobbies or interests you've been wanting to try. Embrace the power of solitude, reach out to trusted friends or acquaintances, ignite your passions with activities that bring joy into your life; most importantly take care of yourself. With patience and openness comes contentment in every season – including being unattached.

Ask Amy: Are You Ready To Date Again?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Sometimes, I meet clients who have just ended long-term relationships and are eager to get back out there. As much as I love the enthusiasm, I am an even bigger advocate for romantic readiness. What do I mean by this? Let’s take a closer look.

It doesn’t matter if you ended the relationship or your partner did, breakups carry emotional weight and the healing that needs to happen afterwards takes time. How much time? Well, that answer depends on so many variables. While I can’t offer you a definitive timeline, I can help you gauge your readiness.

Question #1: Are you really over the ex?

Let’s be honest here. Are you still googling your ex? Still keeping tabs on their Instagram? Asking mutual friends how the ex is doing? If so, I probably don’t need to tell you that you’re not ready for your next relationship. If the ex is still lingering on your mind and in your browser history, you’ll find yourself comparing every new date to your ex—wasting your time and everyone else’s.

If you’re still struggling with unresolved feelings from your previous relationship, you won’t be fully available for your next partner and you won’t be in the right mind set to recognize compatibility.

Question #2: Are you okay being alone?

As you’re healing, you might be tempted to distract yourself with flings or telling yourself that everything will be solved once you find a replacement partner. This mindset might offer some temporary relief, but ultimately it’s just a band aid for the bigger issue—you’re uncomfortable being alone.

When you’re comfortable being alone, you’re less likely to settle for the wrong person and more likely to choose a partner with whom you are truly compatible. If you can cultivate peace and joy on your own, you will be able to detect partners who complement your energy and, equally importantly, discern potential partners who aren’t aligned.

Question #3: Does vulnerability scare you?

To make the strong, emotional connections needed for a sustainable relationship, you’ll need to communicate vulnerability and openness. Talking about your sensitivities and revealing the less fabulous parts of yourself may put you at risk for rejection and heartbreak, but it’s the glue that will take your relationship to the next level.

If you’re still healing, putting yourself in a place that’s open to potentially more pain could prolong your healing process. Sharing vulnerability from a place of strength will allow you to handle any type of response.

Question #4: Did you figure out what went wrong?

Breakups are always painful, but they also provide the biggest opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Maybe you’ve realized how you can be a better partner. Maybe you’ve realized what makes a better partner for you. Either way, the close of each relationship is designed to help you optimize for the next one. Once you start reframing the past relationship as a lesson versus a complete disaster, you’re primed to make better choices in your next relationship.

Question #5: Are you excited to meet new people?

When the agony of your breakup subsides, you’ll have created some space to meet new people and welcome some fresh experiences. But, until then, the prospect of meeting someone new can feel absolutely overwhelming. Check-in with yourself and answer honestly: Are you truly excited for partnership and new adventure? Or, are you simply trying to escape heartbreak?

Final note, getting date ready after a breakup is a process. Giving yourself the time to grieve and heal will pave the way for better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. I promise that time will heal your heart and, when you are ready, I’ll be here to help you find your next perfect partner.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Telltale Signs That a Relationship Will Really Go The Distance

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

What are the telltale signs that a relationship will really go the distance?

Direct yet sensitive and consistent communication

• Successful couples are “on the same page,” and communication is the basic requirement for two individuals to remain so. A relationship is a partnership, and often requires renegotiating the terms to make sure both partners are consistently satisfied!

• Good communication promotes transparency--critical in building trust and intimacy. Importantly, it helps couples work through conflict swiftly and competently, instead of letting misunderstanding and resentment build up. 

• Partners should actively maintain the health of the relationship by having regular conversations to “check-in” and stay connected. 

Trust

• The most stable form of trust is built over time, after a period of consistent give-and-take between both partners. 

• Honesty is the core component of fostering trust, and openness promotes transparency as couples work to merge their worlds with each other. This can come in the form of explicit communication, but it also depends on being honest with yourself: aka being “true” to your own feelings. This promotes vulnerability, necessary to build your shared life together as a team. 

Shared values and goals

• Modern dating culture as depicted in romcoms can be misleading: chemistry isn’t enough. Romance and infatuation can start a relationship, but aligned values are key to its longevity. 

• Sharing similar values and goals helps partners work more effectively as a unit, reducing tension and creating a sense of unity as the relationship moves towards the future. 

• Confidence in the clear vision they share for their relationship is a strong sign that both parties are invested in maintaining it. 

Flexibility and adaptability:

• Relationships aren’t stagnant—they are constantly evolving, and to succeed must incorporate changes in each partner’s identity and goals.  

• This is why flexibility in the present is a telltale sign that a relationship will see the future. Both the relationship and the people within them will face changing circumstances, from job changes, financial difficulties, interpersonal issues, and family obligations. 

• When both partners are noticeably willing to chip-in and make compromises—and do so without resentment!--it prevents problems from escalating into conflicts that should break the relationship. 

Loyalty

• A strong sense of loyalty is the final glue that signals a long-lasting relationship.

• Loyalty isn’t a passive trait—it’s a consistent state that involves being proactive towards setting boundaries with other people (and partners). It updates as the norms of the relationship do, and what feels disloyal to one person doesn’t for another. People also express their dedication in different ways, but a surefire sign is in their attitudes towards infidelity—especially how they actively work to prevent it from happening.

Ask Amy: How To Talk With a New Partner About Your Previous Divorce

Talking to a new partner about your divorce—or any other end to a serious relationship—isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary piece in building long-term intimacy. Leaving mystery around your separation can cause unnecessary drama in your new relationship, but it can be easily prevented with some thoughtful planning and reflection. Of course, it’s only natural to feel hesitant or nervous about bringing up the past, but it's important to spearhead open and honest conversations with your partner to ensure a stronger future together. 

Here’s how I recommend handling the details around your divorce with a new partner:

#1 Opening up

If the details of your divorce make your blood boil or you find yourself spinning when you recount the end, chances are you’ve got more to process. Instead of including your partner in your processing, take your time and work through your feelings separately. Consider working with a therapist before unintentionally unloading on your new partner. The bottom line here is that you need to have healed from the aftermath of your prior relationship before starting fresh with someone new. 

#2 Starting the conversation 

We all have a past; there’s no reason to hide yours from someone with whom you are actively trying to build a new relationship. Start the conversation with something simple: “I realized we haven’t discussed my divorce. It helped me realize who I want to be in a relationship and what I’m looking for, and I want to give you an opportunity to ask any questions.” If your partner is curious and receptive, get intentional about how and when to discuss the details. 

#3 Owning your mistakes

When you discuss your divorce with your new partner, there’s no need to play the blame game or, worse, adopt a victim mentality. Convey the broad strokes, such as why the marriage ended, what you learned from the experience, and how it's shaped your perspective on partnership. If your partner wants more detail than you feel comfortable providing, you can say that some of the more painful experiences are difficult to discuss, but you can revisit them later. Let them know that regardless of what you’re able to discuss, the chapter with your ex has closed and you are excited about your fresh start.

#4 Assure your partner

Your partner may have questions or concerns about your divorce—especially if they haven’t been married before. Be patient with them; they are navigating new territory and evaluating how your divorce could potentially affect your relationship. 

According to the American Psychological Association, the most common reason cited for divorce is "irreconcilable differences," followed by infidelity and money issues. If your divorce falls into the first category, explain what those differences were and how you are focusing on alignment within your current relationship. If it falls into infidelity or money issues, it’s important to focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to avoid the same problems in subsequent relationships. 

#5 Focus on the future

No matter how messy or challenging your divorce was, you made it through. Divorce teaches us about ourselves and what we truly value in partnership. This knowledge paves the way for healthier, happier more meaningful relationships. Talking about your divorce and learnings after healing shows strength and maturity—qualities you need to make your next relationship last.

Helping clients rebuild their lives in the wake of divorce is just another part of successful matchmaking. No matter how messy, there is always a way forward. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, “Divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience, but many individuals report feeling a sense of relief and greater happiness after their divorce”, so just remember, you’ve gotten through the hard part. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy