Dating & Finance (Part 2)

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Tough conversations for couples can vary depending on their specific circumstances, but one theme that we hear about regularly is MONEY. Over 50% of couples do not communicate anything about finances. According to AICPA research, nearly three in four (73%) married or cohabitating Americans say financial decisions are a source of tension in their relationship. 

Let’s get real….hashing out finances, including budgeting, spending habits, debts, and long-term financial goals, can be very challenging. These discussions may include decisions about joint bank accounts, saving for the future, or managing financial disparities between partners, among other things.

At Linx, we see this is as a heavily recurring theme in our couples and have taken the initiative to recruit a top SF Bay Area-based financial professional to answer some questions and provide general guidance on navigating potential landmines.  Our expert works in private wealth management and brings deep experience and a broad perspective to relationships with a select group of families, individuals, and entrepreneurs of all backgrounds, ages, and stages in their lives. 

Q: Do you recommend that newly married couples merge their finances or keep them separate?

A:  I personally recommend a combo.  Assuming, from Part 1 of this series, that you both “know your numbers,” then when you start living together, whether it’s pre-marriage or upon being married, there should be a healthy discussion about the household budget.  It should list all the expenses, and how and who will finance them.  A good step forward might be keeping your finances as is, but also opening a joint account, the so-called household account, where each person deposits a portion of the monthly expenses (rent/mortgage, food, dining out, utilities, car, insurance, etc.).   This division should reflect what each person can realistically afford and should include a discussion about what types of expenses require a joint decision (e.g. buying a car, getting a pet).  This allows everyone to keep their autonomy, credit history, etc. but allows each party to contribute to the household budget in a prudent manner.  

Keep in mind, this process can also flesh out all kinds of emotional issues around money – for example, maybe one partner feels strongly about bearing more financial burden whereas the other handles other household responsibilities.   But no matter what, the idea is to open the lines of communication, early on, about any issues around finances to avoid trouble down the road.

Q:  Can you explain what prenup and postnup agreements are and what the potential benefits might be?

 

Prenup

Using a definition from the dictionary, a prenup is an agreement made by a couple before they marry concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail.  Here is the legal explanation courtesy of Wikipedia

A prenup is used to provide clarity to couples as to what would happen to their assets if the marriage fails.  There are many reasons for a prenup.   Some people are required to have prenups because of the legal structures of their family or work situations (e.g. trusts, partnerships, etc.) That said, I think everyone should have a prenup no matter your asset level because it provides clarity as to what will happen if you do decide to separate.  Money does strange things to people and the time to think through and decide such matters is at the beginning of the relationship when both parties tend to be calm and rational vs. at the end, when hurt or seeking revenge.

Postnup

Again, courtesy of Wikipedia

Postnups are usually used because the financial situation of the couple has changed drastically since marriage, even if they have a prenup in place.  Examples could be that one of the spouses decides to stay home with the children to allow the other spouse to achieve their career objectives, or a spouse is invited into a work partnership and the existing partners of that entity seek assurance that the Partnership will not have to be dissolved in order to ‘cash out’ a Partner who is divorcing.  We often hear about postnups from celebrities… even one surrounding an ex-President and his wife.  It’s all about providing clarity ahead of time in case of the dissolution of the marriage.

Bigger picture, I honestly believe in prenups and even postnups as they increase transparency and reduce uncertainty which, even if awkward in any way, can pay huge dividends down the road financially and emotionally.  The wealthier the couple either individually or collectively, the more detailed a prenup agreement should be.  You can look to qualified legal counsel and financial advisors for ideas.  Postnups become necessary if, say, one partner decides to stay home with the kids and is no longer contributing financially.  This does not diminish their worth because usually they contribute in every other way to make sure that their spouse is able to be successful – e.g. their time, volunteering, showing really well as a partner at work events, looking after children, the dogs, etc.)

Dating & Finance (Part 1)

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Tough conversations for couples can vary depending on their specific circumstances, but one theme that we hear about regularly is MONEY. Over 50% of couples do not communicate anything about finances. According to AICPA research, nearly three in four (73%) married or cohabitating Americans say financial decisions are a source of tension in their relationship. 

Let’s get real….hashing out finances, including budgeting, spending habits, debts, and long-term financial goals, can be very challenging. These discussions may include decisions about joint bank accounts, saving for the future, or managing financial disparities between partners, among other things.

At Linx, we see this is as a heavily recurring theme in our couples and have taken the initiative to recruit a top SF Bay Area-based financial professional to answer some questions and provide general guidance on navigating potential landmines.  Our expert works in private wealth management and brings deep experience and a broad perspective to relationships with a select group of families, individuals, and entrepreneurs of all backgrounds, ages, and stages in their lives. 

Q: Thank you for being here with us today. How do you advise a couple, who is in the courtship stage, to begin bringing up the topic of finances? This subject is so important and one that so often people shy away from, because it’s uncomfortable, scary, or threatening. 

A: I think it first starts with the concept of getting familiar with your actual individual numbers, if you aren’t already.  Knowing your numbers means understanding what your post-tax earnings are (what comes “in”), what your monthly spending is (what goes “out”), and what your assets (property, investments with positive value that you own) and liabilities (and debts, for example) are, if any.  The fancy terms for this are your “income statement” and “balance sheet.”  Only then can you start thinking about your disposable income and begin to have a conversation about finances with anyone.

The finance “conversation,” even if not explicit, starts from the first time you go on a date.  Someone must pay for it!  When you plan for a trip, there should be a conversation as to who will pay for what.  We can often get a good sense of someone’s attitude towards money starting very early on in any relationship.  

Now, if you know your numbers, as you continue to discuss these kinds of couples’ activities, you will be able to decide what you can and cannot afford, what your spending priorities are, and begin to get clear about your partner’s financial situation and priorities. 

It might be less threatening and more organic of a conversation about finances if it naturally evolves as the relationship evolves and you begin to need to make even basic decisions together about navigating these daily realities of life.

Q:  For a single professional woman navigating her future, what should be her top financial priorities? 

A:  Once again, whether it’s a man, woman, or a couple, the top priority is knowing your numbers.  These days, with technology in the palm of our hands on a smart phone, for example, there is simply no excuse for not being able to access your numbers quickly and intuitively.  Every major financial institution (banks and others) provides you with a breakdown of your spending every month if you just learn the app, website, or whatever.  And never forget about taxes!  If you owe taxes each year when you file your taxes, then those should always be factored in.   Without a command of your personal “income statement” and “balance sheet (i.e. an accurate snapshot of your current financial picture) it can be hard to even consider your priorities moving forward, such as spending choices, savings, credit cards/debt, investments/asset allocation, retirement planning, etc.

If you need help with any or all of this, then engage a Financial Advisor who leads with financial planning, as opposed to investing, which might come a bit later.

The Importance of “Alone Time” in Relationships

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

The concept of "alone time" within a relationship often sparks anxiety or concern but, in reality, it can be a cornerstone of maintaining a healthy, balanced connection with your partner. Love doesn't demand constant togetherness. Contrary to popular belief, carving out moments of solitude within a relationship is not a sign of detachment, but rather a contribution to the relationship’s strength, as it can encourage personal growth and help each person maintain independence.

Alone Time: A Vital Component of Relationship Wellness

Here are some specific reasons why alone time is an essential ingredient in healthy relationships.

1. Preserving Individual Identities   

Allowing space for alone time is a powerful means of protecting individual identities. Each partner brings unique qualities, interests, and passions to the relationship. Spending time apart facilitates personal exploration and ensures that these distinctive aspects continue to thrive.

2. Cultivating Independence

Independence is not a threat to a relationship; rather, it is the foundation of how a healthy partnership grows. Alone time provides an opportunity for self-reflection and the development of personal interests, promoting a sense of autonomy that enriches the individual and, by extension, the relationship.

3. Refreshed Connection

Absence truly can make the heart grow fonder. Taking time apart refreshes the connection between partners. It allows each individual to miss the other, fostering a renewed appreciation for shared moments and experiences.

Understanding the Fear of Alone Time

While the benefits of alone time are clear, many people shy away from it.  Why?  

1. Fear of Introspection

Alone time forces individuals to confront their thoughts and emotions, which can be a daunting prospect. However, this self-awareness is a powerful tool for personal growth. Embracing the discomfort of introspection can lead to increased self-understanding and emotional intelligence.

2. Loss of Independence

Some individuals fear that spending time alone may erode their sense of independence. It's crucial to recognize that maintaining independence within a relationship is not about isolation; rather, it's about honoring one's individuality. True interdependence thrives when both partners can stand strong as individuals.

Embracing Alone Time: Strategies for a Balanced Relationship

Now that we understand the importance of alone time and have addressed some common fears, let's explore some practical strategies for incorporating private time into a relationship:

1. Scheduled Solo Activities

Plan regular solo activities or hobbies that each partner can enjoy independently. This might include reading, pursuing a personal hobby, or simply taking a leisurely solo walk.

2. Communication and Boundaries   

Open communication is key. Discuss the importance of alone time with your partner, set boundaries, and establish mutual respect for each other's need for solitude. This ensures that both individuals feel understood and supported.

3. Solo Reflection Sessions

Schedule short periods of alone time for personal reflection. This can be as simple as enjoying a quiet cup of tea, journaling, or practicing mindfulness. These moments provide an opportunity to check in with oneself and cultivate a sense of inner peace.

In conclusion, the journey of love is a shared one, but it is equally essential to honor and nurture the self within that journey. Alone time is not a threat to a relationship; rather, it is a testament to the strength of the individuals involved. By embracing moments of solitude, confronting fears, and fostering personal growth, couples can build a relationship that thrives on the beautiful balance between togetherness and independence.

How To Forgive a Cheating Partner... According To Science

How to forgive a cheating partner…

according to science

The pain of heartbreak coupled with a partner’s dishonesty is devastating. Most couples build trust over so many dates over so many months and all of this can crumble in moments in the wake of cheating. If your partner has been unfaithful, it can feel impossible to forgive and rebuild the relationship, but there is hope. I have seen many couples work through broken trust and come back together even stronger.

So, how is it possible to forgive a cheating partner? Firstly, you’ll need to understand why your partner cheated in the first place. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the top reasons people strayed from their partners included feeling generally dissatisfied with their partner, dealing with boredom in the bedroom or struggling to connect emotionally. Pinpointing where your relationship struggles the most will help you know where to focus your attention as you rebuild. 

Getting back on track is also going to require a lot of open, honest communication. Discussing what went wrong and how to get back on track are heavy, difficult conversations, but getting vulnerable with each other can help you build empathy for your unfaithful partner. Remember, empathizing with your partner does not excuse their behavior, but it is a way to make it easier to understand and eventually forgive their behavior. 

In addition to the open communication, setting boundaries helped partners rebuild shattered trust even faster. According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who established boundaries and expectations after cheating were more likely to stay together and report greater relationship satisfaction. This could be like “rules” around messaging on social media, sharing locations or checking in at the end of the night. It may not sound romantic, but oversharing demonstrates a commitment to transparency. 

Finally, I can’t recommend couples therapy enough. Talking through what happened and opening up about the path forward can be much easier with professional support. Therapists can help mediate conversations that escalate and also help both of you communicate through those underlying issues that put so much stress on the relationship to begin with. Additionally, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, couples who went to therapy after infidelity were more likely to be satisfied with their relationship and more likely to forgive compared to couples who tried to repair their relationships without professional help.

At the end of the day, forgiving your partner doesn't mean forgetting what happened. Forgiving is a way to free yourself from the pain and anger caused by the partner. Deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who broke your trust is an arduous process, but if your partner is worth it, he or she will work with you (hopefully with a therapist!) to communicate openly, establish and stick to boundaries, and reassure you—through words and actions—that it was a one-time mistake. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Should I Sign The Prenup? Here’s Why It’s a Good Idea

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

The idea of a prenuptial agreement—or prenup—isn’t our favorite part of the fairytale wedding. After all, when you’re planning your wedding, the last thing you want to think about is the possibility of a divorce. However, as much as we’d like to believe in the happily ever after, the truth is that not all marriages last forever. So, before you say, “I do,” there’s an important conversation that you and your partner should have: the prenup talk.

The idea of a prenup doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a smart move for any couple, regardless of income or assets. You might want to think about it like an insurance policy for your marriage.

No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, but the reality is that many first-time marriages do—almost half. The prenup works as an insurance policy; it protects you and your partner in case the worst happens and outlines exactly what to expect in case of a divorce.

Should your marriage need to end, the prenup will save you the long, expensive divorce of your nightmares. With a prenup, you’ll already know how to split the assets and debts, so, instead of dealing with expensive lawyers to decide who owes what, everything is already sorted. Save yourselves the headaches and trauma and spell out the contingency plans.

If you have significant personal assets, a prenup will make sure everything that’s yours stays yours. This is particularly important if you own a business or have inherited assets. Without a prenup, ownership runs into gray areas, and you might not be entitled to everything you thought you owned.

A prenup can also be a useful tool for setting expectations and discussing important issues before tying the knot. Talking about money, for example, can be uncomfortable, but it’s an important conversation to have before getting married. Working on the prenup will help you both establish financial transparency and have a clear understanding of each other’s financial goals, concerns and status.

Many people are hesitant to broach the topic of a prenup with a partner. This conversation can feel unromantic and pessimistic, so try to think of it as a relationship-building tool. Working through the details of a prenup with your partner requires trust and communication, building blocks for any successful marriage.

Ready to have the prenup conversation? Keep an open mind and a willingness to listen to your partner’s concerns. Remember, a prenup isn’t just about protecting your own assets—it’s about creating a fair agreement that works for both of you.