Image By: Annie Barnett
“Hi Amy! Hope you can offer some words of wisdom here. My boyfriend of 6 months and I are talking about a future, and I’m sensing that big steps like marriage and kids are difficult for him to talk about. He will say something like “we’ll figure it out” or “one step at a time”, but I think I need more clarity before moving forward. How do I get the answers I need? Should I be pushing for answers?” - Anonymous
I am always in favor of more clarity! When I work with my clients, oftentimes I cut right to the chase: “What are you looking for?” If my clients aren’t sure what kind of steps they’re interested in taking, how can we find them the right person for long-term partnership? I encourage you to get your answers and move forward accordingly. That said, you are dealing with two different people with their own histories, views, personalities, feelings, etc. and the way you choose to communicate about this issue can make or break the discussion.
So, let’s talk about how you can handle the conversation and get the clarity you need.
First, let’s talk about marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different views; he or she might think it’s an outdated institution or something they have to do for family expectations. Others see it as a necessary step in a committed relationship and a building block for the future. Whatever your opinion, you will ultimately need alignment with your partner for a sustainable path forward.
One story stands out in my mind as a great way to broach this conversation. I remember working with a fabulous client who, after a few dates, decided to get more insight on her boyfriend’s perspective on marriage (and children, too). He seemed open to marriage and kids, but the timeline was still unknown. To help diffuse some of the tension around these topics for her partner and still get the answers she needed, she brought up the conversation by referencing one of their favorite couples who had the life that coincided with their goals. She recapped the conversation for me: “I told him, ‘Jackie and Stuart had a lot of these tough conversations up front and they figured out a lot of things from the get go. For example, they put together a rough timeline for a wedding and kids and it really made life planning so much easier. Maybe we take a page out of their book?’”
Using a power couple that you and your partner both respect is a great way to infuse best practices into your relationship without putting so much pressure on your partner to have all the answers.
If you are looking for marriage and not getting a straight answer, try to figure out why the topic is sensitive for your partner. Maybe they have reservations based on past experiences, religious beliefs, or they simply don’t see the point in it. Whatever their reason, try to get to the root cause. If his hesitancy is due to factors that may shift—like timing or perhaps fear of change—there might be room to compromise. You want to open the lines of communication without being too aggressive and potentially causing him to put up his defenses and withdraw or, even worse, become passive aggressive. That can go a long way toward tanking an evolving, strong relationship. BUT, if his hesitancy is truly due to core fundamental differences, you’re venturing into dealbreaker territory.
Not sure how to start the conversation? Channel your own style, be authentic, be clear and direct but tread lightly. Tone is everything. Warmth goes a long way.
I recommend something along the lines of the following: “I’ve been thinking a ton lately about long-term plans… marriage, all of that… wondering where you stand on it… I think it’s important that we always talk about what’s on our mind, no judgments. “ Something like that, adjusted for your particular situation.
We can apply the same approach to having children. If kids are part of your life plan, it’s important to express this to your partner. He might have a strong stance either way. Maybe he has concerns about the impact kids will have on their lifestyle or career goals. Or, he simply doesn’t feel the desire to have children. Either way, please remember that just as your stance on kids is firm, his is too. Don’t expect to change his mind, just as you wouldn’t expect him to be able to change yours.
Ready to talk kids? Here’s how you can approach the conversation: “When we’re together, I feel like we could really build something special together. What’s your take on family?”
Similar values are one of the biggest predictors of a long-term sustainable relationship. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and seriously consider the effects of compromising on major life decisions. If your values are too different, remember that ending things sooner rather than later will give you more opportunity to find someone who is more aligned to your unique path.
Affectionately yours,
Amy