One Night Stands: The Power of Choice

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When a client is looking for a relationship, they are evaluating partners with specific criteria, like shared goals, religion or values. But, the path to finding “the one” can be long, and it’s not uncommon to meet some spectacular—yet short-term—prospects. When something like this happens, and passion takes the wheel, you might opt for a one-night stand. Such an experience can bring up a whole range of emotions, but fear not, I’m here to guide you through it.

Getting caught up in a night of passion can feel absolutely mind altering in the moment, but the next morning may feel like a different story. I’ve had many daters reach out to me with guilt and shame after a one night stand, so I wanted to offer some perspective. Before rushing to judge yourself, maybe you can remember the following:

1. Sex is a biological need

You made a decision to engage with your biological need to have sex. Why is helping yourself fulfill this human need shameful? Why are you having trouble considering this a part of your health and wellness ritual? Though you may wish to fulfill these desires within a committed relationship, you can’t control when you meet someone who makes you feel like committing. Do you think it’s healthy to let your body experience long periods without physical connection? 

2. There is no appropriate number of sexual partners

Instead of allowing society to determine the “appropriate” number of sexual partners, try thinking about your unique recipe for personal fulfillment. Not all women share the same desire for sex, why should one number work for all of them? Not all men are interested in sex over a relationship, so why should they be perceived as such? These double standards for men and women create an unfair environment for everyone. Reject these threads and create the framework that’s appropriate for you. 

3. Your health is your responsibility 

As a sexual being, it is up to you to decide what is best for your body. One-night stands can be a way for you to express physical desires without any strings attached. Instead of judging yourself, consider your one-night stand an intentional choice that allowed you to work with your sexuality instead of against it. 

4. Experiences are tools of self-discovery

Trying new things helps us get to know who we truly are. What can you learn from your one-night stand that might help you achieve better sexual satisfaction in the future? What increased your pleasure? What would you do differently? There’s a lesson in everything; what did your one-night stand teach you? 

5. Not all strong connections are meant to be long term

In life, we can only be so lucky to cross paths with someone who brings us joy, passion and spark. Why should we discount connections that are designed to be shorter term? Instead of regretting your decision due to lack of longevity, think of how rare it is to meet and share an evening with someone who incites passion.  

At the end of the day, your self worth is not defined by a single romantic encounter, but a collection of experiences, character and values. Instead of blaming yourself for sharing an incredible night of passion, own your decision to engage with your desire, take charge of your sexuality and live your life to the fullest.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Transforming Anxiety Into Confidence When Dating

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, it’s important that you

a) Actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person.

b) Let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that it’s a good idea. So let’s assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual… if you aren’t the world’s most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?

Here are three ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you don’t think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.

1. Make a list, and check it twice…

I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. He was concerned that his date might not like him for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a woman he hadn’t even met. While it’s healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, he was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this – particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your hands and runners legs? Turns out you’re one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You were born with a space between your front teeth? You can make a gourmet Indian meal out of almost anything?  You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship?

Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Don’t focus on the possible perceived negatives as that provokes anxiety. Don’t highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesn’t appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, you’re creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.

2. Talk to Strangers…

One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety… you know, the stuff that sets in when we’re about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you don’t know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesn’t provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but it’s still up to you to do the heavy lifting. 

There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and that’s to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions… asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply don’t find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you don’t find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who aren’t available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.

3. Find a Coach…

If you’re doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. It’s also a wonderful way to combat anxiety from a holistic perspective. 

Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence, self-esteem, and work to overcome anxiety. Even if you think you’re “doing fine” on issues of self worth, there isn’t much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that it’s ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that we’d probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that won’t. You can’t have what you don’t ask for, and you’ll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if it’s not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all you have to offer is a key first step in finding a real, deep, and everlasting relationship.

How To Deal With Being Single and Feeling Lonely

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Going solo can have its benefits—freedom, flexibility and "me-time"—but it's easy to feel lonely. But fear not: research reveals that loneliness is a universal emotion many of us experience from time to time. That said, there are plenty of things you can do while riding the single wave so don't be afraid to practice some selfcare. Connecting with yourself and others will help ease those lonesome feelings until your next relationship comes along.

Embrace solitude

Taking time to be alone can open up opportunities for self-reflection and personal development. Use this opportunity to evaluate all aspects of your life, craft achievable goals, or work on inspiring projects. Embracing solitude helps cultivate a sense of independence while also making it easier not to feel lonely in the future. 

Connect with others

While solitude can be beneficial, it's also important to invest in relationships. Whether it's through friends, family, or community, spending time with others can help you feel less lonely and more connected. Trying new group activities will bring you closer to people who share similar interests.

Pursue your passions

If you want to feel more alive and connected, try unleashing your passions! From painting masterpieces to playing music or writing stories - when we explore our hobbies with enthusiasm it can help us create a purposeful life that's filled with joy. So don't be afraid; reach out for the things you love and make them part of who you are.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community, meet new people, and make a positive impact in the world. You'll feel good knowing that you're making a difference, and you'll also meet new people who share your values and interests.

Travel

Packing your bags for a new destination can infuse your life with wonder and gratitude. It’s a great way to experience new cultures, meet new people, and get out of your comfort zone. Whether it's a solo trip or a group tour, traveling can be a great way to push you out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons.

Adopt a pet

Bringing a new four-legged critter home has immense benefits. In a recent study concerning loneliness, studies that were conducted after the outbreak of COVID-19 mostly showed that pet ownership can contribute to lower levels of loneliness. Pets can provide us with unconditional love and comfort, and they can also be great companions. Just make sure you're ready for the responsibilities that come with pet ownership.

Start a gratitude practice

Sometimes, feeling lonely can be a result of focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. Starting a gratitude practice can help you shift your focus to the good things in your life and to feel more content and fulfilled.

Embracing your single life doesn't have to be lonely. Instead of fretting, find ways to fill the time with meaningful moments and personal growth. Reach out to friends, lean into hobbies or interests you've been wanting to try. Embrace the power of solitude, reach out to trusted friends or acquaintances, ignite your passions with activities that bring joy into your life; most importantly take care of yourself. With patience and openness comes contentment in every season – including being unattached.

Telltale Signs That a Relationship Will Really Go The Distance

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

What are the telltale signs that a relationship will really go the distance?

Direct yet sensitive and consistent communication

• Successful couples are “on the same page,” and communication is the basic requirement for two individuals to remain so. A relationship is a partnership, and often requires renegotiating the terms to make sure both partners are consistently satisfied!

• Good communication promotes transparency--critical in building trust and intimacy. Importantly, it helps couples work through conflict swiftly and competently, instead of letting misunderstanding and resentment build up. 

• Partners should actively maintain the health of the relationship by having regular conversations to “check-in” and stay connected. 

Trust

• The most stable form of trust is built over time, after a period of consistent give-and-take between both partners. 

• Honesty is the core component of fostering trust, and openness promotes transparency as couples work to merge their worlds with each other. This can come in the form of explicit communication, but it also depends on being honest with yourself: aka being “true” to your own feelings. This promotes vulnerability, necessary to build your shared life together as a team. 

Shared values and goals

• Modern dating culture as depicted in romcoms can be misleading: chemistry isn’t enough. Romance and infatuation can start a relationship, but aligned values are key to its longevity. 

• Sharing similar values and goals helps partners work more effectively as a unit, reducing tension and creating a sense of unity as the relationship moves towards the future. 

• Confidence in the clear vision they share for their relationship is a strong sign that both parties are invested in maintaining it. 

Flexibility and adaptability:

• Relationships aren’t stagnant—they are constantly evolving, and to succeed must incorporate changes in each partner’s identity and goals.  

• This is why flexibility in the present is a telltale sign that a relationship will see the future. Both the relationship and the people within them will face changing circumstances, from job changes, financial difficulties, interpersonal issues, and family obligations. 

• When both partners are noticeably willing to chip-in and make compromises—and do so without resentment!--it prevents problems from escalating into conflicts that should break the relationship. 

Loyalty

• A strong sense of loyalty is the final glue that signals a long-lasting relationship.

• Loyalty isn’t a passive trait—it’s a consistent state that involves being proactive towards setting boundaries with other people (and partners). It updates as the norms of the relationship do, and what feels disloyal to one person doesn’t for another. People also express their dedication in different ways, but a surefire sign is in their attitudes towards infidelity—especially how they actively work to prevent it from happening.

Ask Amy: How to Handle Different Stances on Kids and Marriage

Image By: Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy!  Hope you can offer some words of wisdom here. My boyfriend of 6 months and I are talking about a future, and I’m sensing that big steps like marriage and kids are difficult for him to talk about. He will say something like “we’ll figure it out” or “one step at a time”, but I think I need more clarity before moving forward. How do I get the answers I need? Should I be pushing for answers?” - Anonymous

I am always in favor of more clarity! When I work with my clients, oftentimes I cut right to the chase: “What are you looking for?” If my clients aren’t sure what kind of steps they’re interested in taking, how can we find them the right person for long-term partnership? I encourage you to get your answers and move forward accordingly.  That said, you are dealing with two different people with their own histories, views, personalities, feelings, etc. and the way you choose to communicate about this issue can make or break the discussion.

So, let’s talk about how you can handle the conversation and get the clarity you need.

First, let’s talk about marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different views; he or she might think it’s an outdated institution or something they have to do for family expectations. Others see it as a necessary step in a committed relationship and a building block for the future. Whatever your opinion, you will ultimately need alignment with your partner for a sustainable path forward. 

One story stands out in my mind as a great way to broach this conversation.  I remember working with a fabulous client who, after a few dates, decided to get more insight on her boyfriend’s perspective on marriage (and children, too). He seemed open to marriage and kids, but the timeline was still unknown. To help diffuse some of the tension around these topics for her partner and still get the answers she needed, she brought up the conversation by referencing one of their favorite couples who had the life that coincided with their goals. She recapped the conversation for me: “I told him, ‘Jackie and Stuart had a lot of these tough conversations up front and they figured out a lot of things from the get go. For example, they put together a rough timeline for a wedding and kids and it really made life planning so much easier. Maybe we take a page out of their book?’”

Using a power couple that you and your partner both respect is a great way to infuse best practices into your relationship without putting so much pressure on your partner to have all the  answers.

If you are looking for marriage and not getting a straight answer, try to figure out why the topic is sensitive for your partner. Maybe they have reservations based on past experiences, religious beliefs, or they simply don’t see the point in it. Whatever their reason, try to get to the root cause. If his hesitancy is due to factors that may shift—like timing or perhaps fear of change—there might be room to compromise.  You want to open the lines of communication without being too aggressive and potentially causing him to put up his defenses and withdraw or, even worse, become passive aggressive.  That can go a long way toward tanking an evolving, strong relationship.  BUT, if his hesitancy is truly due to core fundamental differences, you’re venturing into dealbreaker territory. 

Not sure how to start the conversation?  Channel your own style, be authentic, be clear and direct but tread lightly.  Tone is everything.   Warmth goes a long way.

I recommend something along the lines of the following: “I’ve been thinking a ton lately about long-term plans… marriage, all of that… wondering where you stand on it… I think it’s important that we always talk about what’s on our mind, no judgments. “  Something like that, adjusted for your particular situation.

We can apply the same approach to having children. If kids are part of your life plan, it’s important to express this to your partner. He might have a strong stance either way. Maybe he has concerns about the impact kids will have on their lifestyle or career goals. Or, he simply doesn’t feel the desire to have children. Either way, please remember that just as your stance on kids is firm, his is too. Don’t expect to change his mind, just as you wouldn’t expect him to be able to change yours. 

Ready to talk kids? Here’s how you can approach the conversation: “When we’re together, I feel like we could really build something special together. What’s your take on family?”

Similar values are one of the biggest predictors of a long-term sustainable relationship. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and seriously consider the effects of compromising on major life decisions. If your values are too different, remember that ending things sooner rather than later will give you more opportunity to find someone who is more aligned to your unique path.

Affectionately yours,

Amy