Should I Sign The Prenup? Here’s Why It’s a Good Idea

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

The idea of a prenuptial agreement—or prenup—isn’t our favorite part of the fairytale wedding. After all, when you’re planning your wedding, the last thing you want to think about is the possibility of a divorce. However, as much as we’d like to believe in the happily ever after, the truth is that not all marriages last forever. So, before you say, “I do,” there’s an important conversation that you and your partner should have: the prenup talk.

The idea of a prenup doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s a smart move for any couple, regardless of income or assets. You might want to think about it like an insurance policy for your marriage.

No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end in divorce, but the reality is that many first-time marriages do—almost half. The prenup works as an insurance policy; it protects you and your partner in case the worst happens and outlines exactly what to expect in case of a divorce.

Should your marriage need to end, the prenup will save you the long, expensive divorce of your nightmares. With a prenup, you’ll already know how to split the assets and debts, so, instead of dealing with expensive lawyers to decide who owes what, everything is already sorted. Save yourselves the headaches and trauma and spell out the contingency plans.

If you have significant personal assets, a prenup will make sure everything that’s yours stays yours. This is particularly important if you own a business or have inherited assets. Without a prenup, ownership runs into gray areas, and you might not be entitled to everything you thought you owned.

A prenup can also be a useful tool for setting expectations and discussing important issues before tying the knot. Talking about money, for example, can be uncomfortable, but it’s an important conversation to have before getting married. Working on the prenup will help you both establish financial transparency and have a clear understanding of each other’s financial goals, concerns and status.

Many people are hesitant to broach the topic of a prenup with a partner. This conversation can feel unromantic and pessimistic, so try to think of it as a relationship-building tool. Working through the details of a prenup with your partner requires trust and communication, building blocks for any successful marriage.

Ready to have the prenup conversation? Keep an open mind and a willingness to listen to your partner’s concerns. Remember, a prenup isn’t just about protecting your own assets—it’s about creating a fair agreement that works for both of you. 

Ask Amy: Communicating Boundaries

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 33, San Francisco) [Single - actively dating]

“I’ve started dating a new guy, and I’ve noticed we’re having trouble in the conflict resolution realm. Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, he gets defensive, makes excuses and we end up arguing. For example, he ran 20 minutes late to pick me up for our last date. When I asked why he didn’t call to let me know, he said that he was in back-to-back meetings and he came to get me as fast as he could. I tried to explain that I appreciated him hurrying, but I felt really hurt that he left me. He said that I needed to relax and be more flexible. Is there a better way for me to convey my needs?”

Andersen Advice

Sounds to me like you’re trying to set boundaries and the conversation isn’t going as smoothly as you’d have hoped. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be very challenging to share when someone has let us down, but it’s a very important conversation to have especially as it prevents resentment from seeping in. 

If your partner isn’t receptive to the feedback, there may be several reasons why. Some people feel immense shame. Others have trouble admitting they’ve made a mistake. While there’s no way to predict your partner’s reaction, I can share best practices to help you share your boundaries in the most clear, direct way possible. 

Firstly, setting boundaries is a foundational part of any relationship. Boundaries help your partner (and everyone else) understand your needs and the behavior you will accept. When you set boundaries and stick to them, you are cultivating space for your personal growth and maintaining your peace—all good things!

With that said, your partner also has a right to set boundaries. If he has tried his best to explain his actions, and you are unsatisfied, he might need to stand his ground. If the relationship is going to work, you both need to respect each other’s boundaries and learn to compromise if your boundaries come into conflict.

Although some intuition by the two of you is important, you can’t always both be mind-readers, and that means this process of mutual “boundary setting” can only occur with healthy communication. Understandably, these talks can be uncomfortable. Maybe one of you withdraws or gets triggered and a simple conversation escalates into an argument. Either way, it’s important to initiate the conversation as calmly as possible and be open to finding a solution. 

To avoid sounding accusatory, opt for “I” statements. For example, instead of “you showed up late again and don’t care about my time”, you could say, “I would appreciate your letting me know when you are running late, or I can start to feel like I’m not prioritized.” 

Giving your partner specifics around your boundaries will also help your partner understand exactly what you need. For example, instead of “you need to text me more often”, you could say something like “It would be nice to hear from you at the end of your day – staying in close touch  matters to me.”

If your partner has a strong reaction every time you mention boundaries or repeatedly shuts you down, it’s a sign that, for whatever reason, he might not be ready to enter a mature relationship with you at this point.  Other signs that might also indicate a lack of readiness include:

1. Lacking empathy—Does your partner dismiss your feelings or gaslight you for conveying uncomfortable emotions? If you mention something that bothered you, is it always in your head or not a big deal?

2. Always having to be right—Does your partner get angry, annoyed, or aloof if you challenge him? Is he unwilling to admit when he’s made a mistake? 

3. History of unstable relationships—Does he say all his exes were “crazy”? Did his past relationships always end on bad terms?

4. Gaslighting—Is it always your fault when problems arise? If you mention something that bothered you, does he make you feel like you’re always the problem?

If any of these signs resonate, I hope you will reconsider staying in your relationship. For partnerships to grow and evolve, it takes firstly, an ability to communicate mutual boundaries and, secondly, the desire to respect them. I encourage you to find a partner who appreciates this level of communication.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: Are You Ready To Date Again?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Sometimes, I meet clients who have just ended long-term relationships and are eager to get back out there. As much as I love the enthusiasm, I am an even bigger advocate for romantic readiness. What do I mean by this? Let’s take a closer look.

It doesn’t matter if you ended the relationship or your partner did, breakups carry emotional weight and the healing that needs to happen afterwards takes time. How much time? Well, that answer depends on so many variables. While I can’t offer you a definitive timeline, I can help you gauge your readiness.

Question #1: Are you really over the ex?

Let’s be honest here. Are you still googling your ex? Still keeping tabs on their Instagram? Asking mutual friends how the ex is doing? If so, I probably don’t need to tell you that you’re not ready for your next relationship. If the ex is still lingering on your mind and in your browser history, you’ll find yourself comparing every new date to your ex—wasting your time and everyone else’s.

If you’re still struggling with unresolved feelings from your previous relationship, you won’t be fully available for your next partner and you won’t be in the right mind set to recognize compatibility.

Question #2: Are you okay being alone?

As you’re healing, you might be tempted to distract yourself with flings or telling yourself that everything will be solved once you find a replacement partner. This mindset might offer some temporary relief, but ultimately it’s just a band aid for the bigger issue—you’re uncomfortable being alone.

When you’re comfortable being alone, you’re less likely to settle for the wrong person and more likely to choose a partner with whom you are truly compatible. If you can cultivate peace and joy on your own, you will be able to detect partners who complement your energy and, equally importantly, discern potential partners who aren’t aligned.

Question #3: Does vulnerability scare you?

To make the strong, emotional connections needed for a sustainable relationship, you’ll need to communicate vulnerability and openness. Talking about your sensitivities and revealing the less fabulous parts of yourself may put you at risk for rejection and heartbreak, but it’s the glue that will take your relationship to the next level.

If you’re still healing, putting yourself in a place that’s open to potentially more pain could prolong your healing process. Sharing vulnerability from a place of strength will allow you to handle any type of response.

Question #4: Did you figure out what went wrong?

Breakups are always painful, but they also provide the biggest opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Maybe you’ve realized how you can be a better partner. Maybe you’ve realized what makes a better partner for you. Either way, the close of each relationship is designed to help you optimize for the next one. Once you start reframing the past relationship as a lesson versus a complete disaster, you’re primed to make better choices in your next relationship.

Question #5: Are you excited to meet new people?

When the agony of your breakup subsides, you’ll have created some space to meet new people and welcome some fresh experiences. But, until then, the prospect of meeting someone new can feel absolutely overwhelming. Check-in with yourself and answer honestly: Are you truly excited for partnership and new adventure? Or, are you simply trying to escape heartbreak?

Final note, getting date ready after a breakup is a process. Giving yourself the time to grieve and heal will pave the way for better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. I promise that time will heal your heart and, when you are ready, I’ll be here to help you find your next perfect partner.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How To Talk With a New Partner About Your Previous Divorce

Talking to a new partner about your divorce—or any other end to a serious relationship—isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary piece in building long-term intimacy. Leaving mystery around your separation can cause unnecessary drama in your new relationship, but it can be easily prevented with some thoughtful planning and reflection. Of course, it’s only natural to feel hesitant or nervous about bringing up the past, but it's important to spearhead open and honest conversations with your partner to ensure a stronger future together. 

Here’s how I recommend handling the details around your divorce with a new partner:

#1 Opening up

If the details of your divorce make your blood boil or you find yourself spinning when you recount the end, chances are you’ve got more to process. Instead of including your partner in your processing, take your time and work through your feelings separately. Consider working with a therapist before unintentionally unloading on your new partner. The bottom line here is that you need to have healed from the aftermath of your prior relationship before starting fresh with someone new. 

#2 Starting the conversation 

We all have a past; there’s no reason to hide yours from someone with whom you are actively trying to build a new relationship. Start the conversation with something simple: “I realized we haven’t discussed my divorce. It helped me realize who I want to be in a relationship and what I’m looking for, and I want to give you an opportunity to ask any questions.” If your partner is curious and receptive, get intentional about how and when to discuss the details. 

#3 Owning your mistakes

When you discuss your divorce with your new partner, there’s no need to play the blame game or, worse, adopt a victim mentality. Convey the broad strokes, such as why the marriage ended, what you learned from the experience, and how it's shaped your perspective on partnership. If your partner wants more detail than you feel comfortable providing, you can say that some of the more painful experiences are difficult to discuss, but you can revisit them later. Let them know that regardless of what you’re able to discuss, the chapter with your ex has closed and you are excited about your fresh start.

#4 Assure your partner

Your partner may have questions or concerns about your divorce—especially if they haven’t been married before. Be patient with them; they are navigating new territory and evaluating how your divorce could potentially affect your relationship. 

According to the American Psychological Association, the most common reason cited for divorce is "irreconcilable differences," followed by infidelity and money issues. If your divorce falls into the first category, explain what those differences were and how you are focusing on alignment within your current relationship. If it falls into infidelity or money issues, it’s important to focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to avoid the same problems in subsequent relationships. 

#5 Focus on the future

No matter how messy or challenging your divorce was, you made it through. Divorce teaches us about ourselves and what we truly value in partnership. This knowledge paves the way for healthier, happier more meaningful relationships. Talking about your divorce and learnings after healing shows strength and maturity—qualities you need to make your next relationship last.

Helping clients rebuild their lives in the wake of divorce is just another part of successful matchmaking. No matter how messy, there is always a way forward. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, “Divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience, but many individuals report feeling a sense of relief and greater happiness after their divorce”, so just remember, you’ve gotten through the hard part. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How to Overcome Romantic Rejection

Photo by Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy— Putting myself out there was easy. Keeping myself out there is turning out to be harder. I recently went out with a lovely woman and, after the third date, she decided we weren’t a match. I thought everything was going well, so I’m confused to say the least. What do you think? Do I ask her what happened or should I just move on?” 

- Anonymous

Oh yes, dating can definitely feel like a roller coaster.

You aren’t alone when it comes to the highs and lows. The excitement of new love can feel like walking on clouds, but when you get rejected or ghosted, it can trigger a lot of uncomfortable feelings that lead to questions like “Am I good enough?” or “What is the point of dating anyway?” Depending on the rejection, the feelings can linger and lead to heavy blues. Let’s take a closer look at rejection and figure out how to manage it better.

To explain rejection fully, you need to understand that there is a chemical reaction happening in the background that directly impacts your mood and perspective. When we hear someone say they aren’t interested, the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—the same hormones that cause the "fight or flight" response. Your body might start sweating or your heart might start beating fast. This stress response is how the body copes with a perceived threat. In this case, rejection is a threat to our self-esteem. 

When the stress hormones fade away, you can count on the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotions and makes decisions, to get activated. The level of emotional response varies depending on your personality, but it’s highly likely that you’ll experience sadness, anger, or frustration. Additionally, the mesolimbic system, or the brain's reward system, which is responsible for pleasure and motivation, is also impacted by rejection and can leave you feeling tired and unmotivated.

I understand how disheartening it can be to get turned down in the dating game. It can feel like you're not good enough, that there's something wrong with you, or that love just isn't in the cards for you. When I have clients going through rejection, I try to help them reframe. 

Approach rejection as an exchange of information, not a reflection of your worth. When someone turns you down, it’s not that you weren’t good enough, it’s that you two were not the right fit. As much as the message may sting in the moment, it is a gift that will allow you to move on with your life faster and find a better fit for you. 

Getting the love you want is a journey, and it takes time. Instead of dwelling on the rejection, get excited about what’s in store. Focus on the relationship you want and behave the way you’d want to be treated. When you are firm on your standards and clear on what’s important to you, you are more likely to attract people who share your values.

Most importantly, don't give up on love! It's easy to feel discouraged after getting turned down, but remember that every "no" brings you one step closer to a "yes". Keep putting yourself out there, keep meeting new people, and stay true to your standards. Love is out there for you.

Affectionately yours,

Amy