Ask Amy: Are You Ready To Date Again?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Sometimes, I meet clients who have just ended long-term relationships and are eager to get back out there. As much as I love the enthusiasm, I am an even bigger advocate for romantic readiness. What do I mean by this? Let’s take a closer look.

It doesn’t matter if you ended the relationship or your partner did, breakups carry emotional weight and the healing that needs to happen afterwards takes time. How much time? Well, that answer depends on so many variables. While I can’t offer you a definitive timeline, I can help you gauge your readiness.

Question #1: Are you really over the ex?

Let’s be honest here. Are you still googling your ex? Still keeping tabs on their Instagram? Asking mutual friends how the ex is doing? If so, I probably don’t need to tell you that you’re not ready for your next relationship. If the ex is still lingering on your mind and in your browser history, you’ll find yourself comparing every new date to your ex—wasting your time and everyone else’s.

If you’re still struggling with unresolved feelings from your previous relationship, you won’t be fully available for your next partner and you won’t be in the right mind set to recognize compatibility.

Question #2: Are you okay being alone?

As you’re healing, you might be tempted to distract yourself with flings or telling yourself that everything will be solved once you find a replacement partner. This mindset might offer some temporary relief, but ultimately it’s just a band aid for the bigger issue—you’re uncomfortable being alone.

When you’re comfortable being alone, you’re less likely to settle for the wrong person and more likely to choose a partner with whom you are truly compatible. If you can cultivate peace and joy on your own, you will be able to detect partners who complement your energy and, equally importantly, discern potential partners who aren’t aligned.

Question #3: Does vulnerability scare you?

To make the strong, emotional connections needed for a sustainable relationship, you’ll need to communicate vulnerability and openness. Talking about your sensitivities and revealing the less fabulous parts of yourself may put you at risk for rejection and heartbreak, but it’s the glue that will take your relationship to the next level.

If you’re still healing, putting yourself in a place that’s open to potentially more pain could prolong your healing process. Sharing vulnerability from a place of strength will allow you to handle any type of response.

Question #4: Did you figure out what went wrong?

Breakups are always painful, but they also provide the biggest opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Maybe you’ve realized how you can be a better partner. Maybe you’ve realized what makes a better partner for you. Either way, the close of each relationship is designed to help you optimize for the next one. Once you start reframing the past relationship as a lesson versus a complete disaster, you’re primed to make better choices in your next relationship.

Question #5: Are you excited to meet new people?

When the agony of your breakup subsides, you’ll have created some space to meet new people and welcome some fresh experiences. But, until then, the prospect of meeting someone new can feel absolutely overwhelming. Check-in with yourself and answer honestly: Are you truly excited for partnership and new adventure? Or, are you simply trying to escape heartbreak?

Final note, getting date ready after a breakup is a process. Giving yourself the time to grieve and heal will pave the way for better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. I promise that time will heal your heart and, when you are ready, I’ll be here to help you find your next perfect partner.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How To Talk With a New Partner About Your Previous Divorce

Talking to a new partner about your divorce—or any other end to a serious relationship—isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary piece in building long-term intimacy. Leaving mystery around your separation can cause unnecessary drama in your new relationship, but it can be easily prevented with some thoughtful planning and reflection. Of course, it’s only natural to feel hesitant or nervous about bringing up the past, but it's important to spearhead open and honest conversations with your partner to ensure a stronger future together. 

Here’s how I recommend handling the details around your divorce with a new partner:

#1 Opening up

If the details of your divorce make your blood boil or you find yourself spinning when you recount the end, chances are you’ve got more to process. Instead of including your partner in your processing, take your time and work through your feelings separately. Consider working with a therapist before unintentionally unloading on your new partner. The bottom line here is that you need to have healed from the aftermath of your prior relationship before starting fresh with someone new. 

#2 Starting the conversation 

We all have a past; there’s no reason to hide yours from someone with whom you are actively trying to build a new relationship. Start the conversation with something simple: “I realized we haven’t discussed my divorce. It helped me realize who I want to be in a relationship and what I’m looking for, and I want to give you an opportunity to ask any questions.” If your partner is curious and receptive, get intentional about how and when to discuss the details. 

#3 Owning your mistakes

When you discuss your divorce with your new partner, there’s no need to play the blame game or, worse, adopt a victim mentality. Convey the broad strokes, such as why the marriage ended, what you learned from the experience, and how it's shaped your perspective on partnership. If your partner wants more detail than you feel comfortable providing, you can say that some of the more painful experiences are difficult to discuss, but you can revisit them later. Let them know that regardless of what you’re able to discuss, the chapter with your ex has closed and you are excited about your fresh start.

#4 Assure your partner

Your partner may have questions or concerns about your divorce—especially if they haven’t been married before. Be patient with them; they are navigating new territory and evaluating how your divorce could potentially affect your relationship. 

According to the American Psychological Association, the most common reason cited for divorce is "irreconcilable differences," followed by infidelity and money issues. If your divorce falls into the first category, explain what those differences were and how you are focusing on alignment within your current relationship. If it falls into infidelity or money issues, it’s important to focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to avoid the same problems in subsequent relationships. 

#5 Focus on the future

No matter how messy or challenging your divorce was, you made it through. Divorce teaches us about ourselves and what we truly value in partnership. This knowledge paves the way for healthier, happier more meaningful relationships. Talking about your divorce and learnings after healing shows strength and maturity—qualities you need to make your next relationship last.

Helping clients rebuild their lives in the wake of divorce is just another part of successful matchmaking. No matter how messy, there is always a way forward. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, “Divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience, but many individuals report feeling a sense of relief and greater happiness after their divorce”, so just remember, you’ve gotten through the hard part. 

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How to Overcome Romantic Rejection

Photo by Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy— Putting myself out there was easy. Keeping myself out there is turning out to be harder. I recently went out with a lovely woman and, after the third date, she decided we weren’t a match. I thought everything was going well, so I’m confused to say the least. What do you think? Do I ask her what happened or should I just move on?” 

- Anonymous

Oh yes, dating can definitely feel like a roller coaster.

You aren’t alone when it comes to the highs and lows. The excitement of new love can feel like walking on clouds, but when you get rejected or ghosted, it can trigger a lot of uncomfortable feelings that lead to questions like “Am I good enough?” or “What is the point of dating anyway?” Depending on the rejection, the feelings can linger and lead to heavy blues. Let’s take a closer look at rejection and figure out how to manage it better.

To explain rejection fully, you need to understand that there is a chemical reaction happening in the background that directly impacts your mood and perspective. When we hear someone say they aren’t interested, the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—the same hormones that cause the "fight or flight" response. Your body might start sweating or your heart might start beating fast. This stress response is how the body copes with a perceived threat. In this case, rejection is a threat to our self-esteem. 

When the stress hormones fade away, you can count on the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotions and makes decisions, to get activated. The level of emotional response varies depending on your personality, but it’s highly likely that you’ll experience sadness, anger, or frustration. Additionally, the mesolimbic system, or the brain's reward system, which is responsible for pleasure and motivation, is also impacted by rejection and can leave you feeling tired and unmotivated.

I understand how disheartening it can be to get turned down in the dating game. It can feel like you're not good enough, that there's something wrong with you, or that love just isn't in the cards for you. When I have clients going through rejection, I try to help them reframe. 

Approach rejection as an exchange of information, not a reflection of your worth. When someone turns you down, it’s not that you weren’t good enough, it’s that you two were not the right fit. As much as the message may sting in the moment, it is a gift that will allow you to move on with your life faster and find a better fit for you. 

Getting the love you want is a journey, and it takes time. Instead of dwelling on the rejection, get excited about what’s in store. Focus on the relationship you want and behave the way you’d want to be treated. When you are firm on your standards and clear on what’s important to you, you are more likely to attract people who share your values.

Most importantly, don't give up on love! It's easy to feel discouraged after getting turned down, but remember that every "no" brings you one step closer to a "yes". Keep putting yourself out there, keep meeting new people, and stay true to your standards. Love is out there for you.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How to Handle Different Stances on Kids and Marriage

Image By: Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy!  Hope you can offer some words of wisdom here. My boyfriend of 6 months and I are talking about a future, and I’m sensing that big steps like marriage and kids are difficult for him to talk about. He will say something like “we’ll figure it out” or “one step at a time”, but I think I need more clarity before moving forward. How do I get the answers I need? Should I be pushing for answers?” - Anonymous

I am always in favor of more clarity! When I work with my clients, oftentimes I cut right to the chase: “What are you looking for?” If my clients aren’t sure what kind of steps they’re interested in taking, how can we find them the right person for long-term partnership? I encourage you to get your answers and move forward accordingly.  That said, you are dealing with two different people with their own histories, views, personalities, feelings, etc. and the way you choose to communicate about this issue can make or break the discussion.

So, let’s talk about how you can handle the conversation and get the clarity you need.

First, let’s talk about marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different views; he or she might think it’s an outdated institution or something they have to do for family expectations. Others see it as a necessary step in a committed relationship and a building block for the future. Whatever your opinion, you will ultimately need alignment with your partner for a sustainable path forward. 

One story stands out in my mind as a great way to broach this conversation.  I remember working with a fabulous client who, after a few dates, decided to get more insight on her boyfriend’s perspective on marriage (and children, too). He seemed open to marriage and kids, but the timeline was still unknown. To help diffuse some of the tension around these topics for her partner and still get the answers she needed, she brought up the conversation by referencing one of their favorite couples who had the life that coincided with their goals. She recapped the conversation for me: “I told him, ‘Jackie and Stuart had a lot of these tough conversations up front and they figured out a lot of things from the get go. For example, they put together a rough timeline for a wedding and kids and it really made life planning so much easier. Maybe we take a page out of their book?’”

Using a power couple that you and your partner both respect is a great way to infuse best practices into your relationship without putting so much pressure on your partner to have all the  answers.

If you are looking for marriage and not getting a straight answer, try to figure out why the topic is sensitive for your partner. Maybe they have reservations based on past experiences, religious beliefs, or they simply don’t see the point in it. Whatever their reason, try to get to the root cause. If his hesitancy is due to factors that may shift—like timing or perhaps fear of change—there might be room to compromise.  You want to open the lines of communication without being too aggressive and potentially causing him to put up his defenses and withdraw or, even worse, become passive aggressive.  That can go a long way toward tanking an evolving, strong relationship.  BUT, if his hesitancy is truly due to core fundamental differences, you’re venturing into dealbreaker territory. 

Not sure how to start the conversation?  Channel your own style, be authentic, be clear and direct but tread lightly.  Tone is everything.   Warmth goes a long way.

I recommend something along the lines of the following: “I’ve been thinking a ton lately about long-term plans… marriage, all of that… wondering where you stand on it… I think it’s important that we always talk about what’s on our mind, no judgments. “  Something like that, adjusted for your particular situation.

We can apply the same approach to having children. If kids are part of your life plan, it’s important to express this to your partner. He might have a strong stance either way. Maybe he has concerns about the impact kids will have on their lifestyle or career goals. Or, he simply doesn’t feel the desire to have children. Either way, please remember that just as your stance on kids is firm, his is too. Don’t expect to change his mind, just as you wouldn’t expect him to be able to change yours. 

Ready to talk kids? Here’s how you can approach the conversation: “When we’re together, I feel like we could really build something special together. What’s your take on family?”

Similar values are one of the biggest predictors of a long-term sustainable relationship. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and seriously consider the effects of compromising on major life decisions. If your values are too different, remember that ending things sooner rather than later will give you more opportunity to find someone who is more aligned to your unique path.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: What should I do before meeting his kids?

Hi Amy,

I am excited to build a future with my current boyfriend, but I’m not sure how I should handle his kids. He was married before, has 2 kids from that marriage, and I’m very nervous about meeting them and all the responsibilities that come with that. I want this to go well, but I’m not sure how to prepare. Any ideas? 

Firstly, it’s always smart to be intentional about your relationship with the kids. But, before you meet the kids, I suggest a sit down with your boyfriend to talk through your role in his kids’ lives and how involved you plan to be in their upbringing. Is he expecting you to co-parent? Are you up for that? I would seriously consider your personal boundaries and needs before any next steps, including meeting the kids.

Once you and your partner are on the same page about your role with the kids, try to learn as much as you can about them in advance. Ask questions about their hobbies, personalities, and anything that’s off limits or problematic to discuss. A little detective work can go a long way when you’re wondering how to start the conversation with them. 

Before meeting the kids, I suggest letting go of expectations and preparing for different scenarios. We all hope the kids will be as excited to meet you as you are to meet them, but they may be indifferent or even hostile. Remember, the negative reaction has more to do with their emotional state than anything you did. Focus on being kind, patient, and understanding. 

When it comes to pace, let the kids decide the speed and level of interaction. Even though a hug might feel relaxed and natural for you, it could feel forced from the child’s point of view. Relationships aren’t created overnight; they are built over time. It may take time for hugs, handshakes and affection to feel natural, so take your time to intentionally build the relationship.

And, finally, a note about boundaries. As you grow more involved in the children’s lives, boundaries can feel a little blurry, but it's important not to overstep. Steer clear of disciplining the kids or getting involved in any disagreements between them and their parents; it will only make things more complicated. 

Wishing you all the best.

Affectionately,

Amy

P.S. Something weighing on your mind? Want another point of view? Please comment your questions below!