Ask Amy: How to Overcome Romantic Rejection

Photo by Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy— Putting myself out there was easy. Keeping myself out there is turning out to be harder. I recently went out with a lovely woman and, after the third date, she decided we weren’t a match. I thought everything was going well, so I’m confused to say the least. What do you think? Do I ask her what happened or should I just move on?” 

- Anonymous

Oh yes, dating can definitely feel like a roller coaster.

You aren’t alone when it comes to the highs and lows. The excitement of new love can feel like walking on clouds, but when you get rejected or ghosted, it can trigger a lot of uncomfortable feelings that lead to questions like “Am I good enough?” or “What is the point of dating anyway?” Depending on the rejection, the feelings can linger and lead to heavy blues. Let’s take a closer look at rejection and figure out how to manage it better.

To explain rejection fully, you need to understand that there is a chemical reaction happening in the background that directly impacts your mood and perspective. When we hear someone say they aren’t interested, the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—the same hormones that cause the "fight or flight" response. Your body might start sweating or your heart might start beating fast. This stress response is how the body copes with a perceived threat. In this case, rejection is a threat to our self-esteem. 

When the stress hormones fade away, you can count on the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotions and makes decisions, to get activated. The level of emotional response varies depending on your personality, but it’s highly likely that you’ll experience sadness, anger, or frustration. Additionally, the mesolimbic system, or the brain's reward system, which is responsible for pleasure and motivation, is also impacted by rejection and can leave you feeling tired and unmotivated.

I understand how disheartening it can be to get turned down in the dating game. It can feel like you're not good enough, that there's something wrong with you, or that love just isn't in the cards for you. When I have clients going through rejection, I try to help them reframe. 

Approach rejection as an exchange of information, not a reflection of your worth. When someone turns you down, it’s not that you weren’t good enough, it’s that you two were not the right fit. As much as the message may sting in the moment, it is a gift that will allow you to move on with your life faster and find a better fit for you. 

Getting the love you want is a journey, and it takes time. Instead of dwelling on the rejection, get excited about what’s in store. Focus on the relationship you want and behave the way you’d want to be treated. When you are firm on your standards and clear on what’s important to you, you are more likely to attract people who share your values.

Most importantly, don't give up on love! It's easy to feel discouraged after getting turned down, but remember that every "no" brings you one step closer to a "yes". Keep putting yourself out there, keep meeting new people, and stay true to your standards. Love is out there for you.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: How to Handle Different Stances on Kids and Marriage

Image By: Annie Barnett

“Hi Amy!  Hope you can offer some words of wisdom here. My boyfriend of 6 months and I are talking about a future, and I’m sensing that big steps like marriage and kids are difficult for him to talk about. He will say something like “we’ll figure it out” or “one step at a time”, but I think I need more clarity before moving forward. How do I get the answers I need? Should I be pushing for answers?” - Anonymous

I am always in favor of more clarity! When I work with my clients, oftentimes I cut right to the chase: “What are you looking for?” If my clients aren’t sure what kind of steps they’re interested in taking, how can we find them the right person for long-term partnership? I encourage you to get your answers and move forward accordingly.  That said, you are dealing with two different people with their own histories, views, personalities, feelings, etc. and the way you choose to communicate about this issue can make or break the discussion.

So, let’s talk about how you can handle the conversation and get the clarity you need.

First, let’s talk about marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different views; he or she might think it’s an outdated institution or something they have to do for family expectations. Others see it as a necessary step in a committed relationship and a building block for the future. Whatever your opinion, you will ultimately need alignment with your partner for a sustainable path forward. 

One story stands out in my mind as a great way to broach this conversation.  I remember working with a fabulous client who, after a few dates, decided to get more insight on her boyfriend’s perspective on marriage (and children, too). He seemed open to marriage and kids, but the timeline was still unknown. To help diffuse some of the tension around these topics for her partner and still get the answers she needed, she brought up the conversation by referencing one of their favorite couples who had the life that coincided with their goals. She recapped the conversation for me: “I told him, ‘Jackie and Stuart had a lot of these tough conversations up front and they figured out a lot of things from the get go. For example, they put together a rough timeline for a wedding and kids and it really made life planning so much easier. Maybe we take a page out of their book?’”

Using a power couple that you and your partner both respect is a great way to infuse best practices into your relationship without putting so much pressure on your partner to have all the  answers.

If you are looking for marriage and not getting a straight answer, try to figure out why the topic is sensitive for your partner. Maybe they have reservations based on past experiences, religious beliefs, or they simply don’t see the point in it. Whatever their reason, try to get to the root cause. If his hesitancy is due to factors that may shift—like timing or perhaps fear of change—there might be room to compromise.  You want to open the lines of communication without being too aggressive and potentially causing him to put up his defenses and withdraw or, even worse, become passive aggressive.  That can go a long way toward tanking an evolving, strong relationship.  BUT, if his hesitancy is truly due to core fundamental differences, you’re venturing into dealbreaker territory. 

Not sure how to start the conversation?  Channel your own style, be authentic, be clear and direct but tread lightly.  Tone is everything.   Warmth goes a long way.

I recommend something along the lines of the following: “I’ve been thinking a ton lately about long-term plans… marriage, all of that… wondering where you stand on it… I think it’s important that we always talk about what’s on our mind, no judgments. “  Something like that, adjusted for your particular situation.

We can apply the same approach to having children. If kids are part of your life plan, it’s important to express this to your partner. He might have a strong stance either way. Maybe he has concerns about the impact kids will have on their lifestyle or career goals. Or, he simply doesn’t feel the desire to have children. Either way, please remember that just as your stance on kids is firm, his is too. Don’t expect to change his mind, just as you wouldn’t expect him to be able to change yours. 

Ready to talk kids? Here’s how you can approach the conversation: “When we’re together, I feel like we could really build something special together. What’s your take on family?”

Similar values are one of the biggest predictors of a long-term sustainable relationship. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and seriously consider the effects of compromising on major life decisions. If your values are too different, remember that ending things sooner rather than later will give you more opportunity to find someone who is more aligned to your unique path.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Ask Amy: What should I do before meeting his kids?

Hi Amy,

I am excited to build a future with my current boyfriend, but I’m not sure how I should handle his kids. He was married before, has 2 kids from that marriage, and I’m very nervous about meeting them and all the responsibilities that come with that. I want this to go well, but I’m not sure how to prepare. Any ideas? 

Firstly, it’s always smart to be intentional about your relationship with the kids. But, before you meet the kids, I suggest a sit down with your boyfriend to talk through your role in his kids’ lives and how involved you plan to be in their upbringing. Is he expecting you to co-parent? Are you up for that? I would seriously consider your personal boundaries and needs before any next steps, including meeting the kids.

Once you and your partner are on the same page about your role with the kids, try to learn as much as you can about them in advance. Ask questions about their hobbies, personalities, and anything that’s off limits or problematic to discuss. A little detective work can go a long way when you’re wondering how to start the conversation with them. 

Before meeting the kids, I suggest letting go of expectations and preparing for different scenarios. We all hope the kids will be as excited to meet you as you are to meet them, but they may be indifferent or even hostile. Remember, the negative reaction has more to do with their emotional state than anything you did. Focus on being kind, patient, and understanding. 

When it comes to pace, let the kids decide the speed and level of interaction. Even though a hug might feel relaxed and natural for you, it could feel forced from the child’s point of view. Relationships aren’t created overnight; they are built over time. It may take time for hugs, handshakes and affection to feel natural, so take your time to intentionally build the relationship.

And, finally, a note about boundaries. As you grow more involved in the children’s lives, boundaries can feel a little blurry, but it's important not to overstep. Steer clear of disciplining the kids or getting involved in any disagreements between them and their parents; it will only make things more complicated. 

Wishing you all the best.

Affectionately,

Amy

P.S. Something weighing on your mind? Want another point of view? Please comment your questions below!

Ask Amy: How to Handle Non-Committal Men

You’re ready to settle down, but he’s not ready. Today, we take a closer look at what to do when he won’t commit.

Okay, so you’ve been dating a guy for a while, everything seems great, and you’re ready to take things to the next level, but there’s one problem—he won’t commit. It’s a frustrating and confusing experience, especially when emotions are running hot. Here are some learnings that I’ve passed on to clients in the past; I hope something resonates if you’re experiencing the same. 

First and foremost, it’s important to communicate your intentions or, in other words, what kind of relationship you’re looking for. It’s possible that he may be completely unaware of what you want, or he may have his own fears or concerns that he hasn’t expressed to you. By having an open and honest conversation, you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Example #1

“I really like how things are going, and I’m thinking about getting a little more serious about things. How are you feeling?” 

Example #2

“Dating you has made me realize that I am looking for [insert what you want]. How does that kind of [relationship goal] make you feel?”

There may be some reasons giving him pause. If he’s hesitant to commit because he’s afraid of losing his freedom or independence, reassure him that being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing his individuality. In fact, a healthy relationship allows both partners to grow and pursue their own interests while still supporting each other. 

If his hesitation stems from his being unsure if you’re the right person for him, give him space to figure out his feelings. Pressuring him to make a commitment before he’s ready will only lead to resentment and potentially pushing him further away. And, let’s also consider your mental and emotional health as you continue to pursue a man who isn’t sure about you… it might be time for you to give yourself space, too.  

If he’s avoiding the commitment conversation altogether, I suggest a direct conversation—your time is of the essence! Let him know that avoiding the conversation makes you feel anxious about sharing a future and the kind of relationship you need will require commitment. If he’s not ready to commit for various reasons, it’s important to respect his decision and move on.  

If you’re not getting the commitment you want, take a step back and get honest with yourself. Are you willing to wait for him possibly to commit, or do you need to move on and find someone who is ready for the same level of commitment as you right now? It might not always be the same answer, but it’s important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Remember, you deserve someone who is willing to commit to you and give you the love and respect you need.

Affectionately yours,

Amy 

P.S. Something weighing on your mind? Want another point of view? Please comment your questions below!

Ask Amy: How to Handle Pressure Around Finding The One

When I meet new clients and interview potential matches, I sense a lot of their anxiety around finding the one. If you’re single, the pressure to find a soulmate can be overwhelming. Whether it's from your family or society, there's an expectation that you will eventually find someone who is perfect for you. But, what does it really mean to find your soulmate?

First and foremost, remember that finding true love isn’t something that can be rushed or forced. If you feel like your family or society is pressuring you to find a soulmate before you are ready, then take some time for yourself and focus on what makes you happy. Don’t let anyone else define what happiness means for you; only you know what will truly make you happy in life.

When you’re open to partnership, start by taking an honest look at yourself and what qualities are important to you in a partner. Once you have established this, try to meet potential partners through friends and social circles rather than relying solely on online dating sites. Or, better yet, outsource the process to a professional (wink wink!). Don’t forget that physical attraction is important too; try not to settle for someone just because they seem nice if there isn't at least an initial spark between the two of you.

How will you know if you’ve made a connection? Well, finding your true love is often an indescribable feeling; it's hard to put into words but easy enough to recognize when it happens. If the relationship brings out the best in both of you and makes each day better than the last, chances are good that this could be “the one”. When relationships become comfortable yet exciting all at once, it could mean that two people have found the balance between passion and stability (the elusive jackpot!). If both of you feel like you’re maintaining your individual identities while being together, it’s a very good sign.

Finding true love isn’t impossible but it certainly takes time and effort—especially when faced with outside pressures. I always recommend taking some time for yourself before starting your search, meeting potential partners organically through friends or through trusted confidantes, and focusing on physical attraction as well as emotional connection. When you’re ready to find your soul mate but want a little extra help meeting the right kind of people, I’m here.

Good luck out there!

Affectionately yours,
Amy