How Do I Make The Switch To Exclusive?

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 37, New York City) [It’s Complicated - actively dating]

“Hi Amy, I’ve recently started putting myself out there and met someone with that instant click. We’ve been out on several dates, we’ve been making vacation plans, and we have hour-long phone calls on off nights. Without a lot of effort, we’re getting closer naturally. This is a relatively new relationship, so I don’t want to rush into things, but at the same time I don’t want to get too intimate or vulnerable with someone who doesn’t have the same plans. I want to make this relationship exclusive before we get too close. How do I make that move into exclusivity?”

Andersen Advice

You can only be so lucky to meet someone that gives you that instant connection. The thrill, the butterflies, the way everything else just blurs into the background; they don’t call it a honeymoon for nothing! As you navigate this, it’s only natural that you start to wonder about sustainability—Could this be something that starts hot and freezes over? Or, could it be something more sustainable?  

Before considering anything, take an objective look at your partner’s level of interest. Do they prioritize time with you? Do they consistently make an effort with your needs in mind? Words are important, but actions carry more weight. You’re looking for similar levels of investment. It can take time to understand if your partner is reliable and consistent, so give yourself some time to determine if they’re ready. 

Even though you’re ready to talk exclusivity, I advise all my clients to take their time before taking this step. You noted that you’re not sure if you two have the “same plan”; exclusivity won’t guarantee the same long-term vision, it just guarantees that exploration for someone else is on hold.  

In lieu of jumping straight into exclusivity, I would suggest weaving in questions that address compatibility. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. Even though you’re looking for answers, remember, this isn’t an interrogation. Be prepared to hear your partner openly, without trying to guide their answers or persuade them to rethink their choices. 

If you’re ready to ask these questions, you should also be ready to answer them. I would start with these:

1. What is your goal in this relationship? A friend? A fling? A soulmate? This answer should help you understand what your partner can handle emotionally.

2. How do you define exclusivity and infidelity? This is going to help both of you figure out your romantic boundaries.

3. What are your expectations around romantic intimacy? Asking this will help you determine alignment on the physical front.

4. What kind of lifestyle would be ideal for you now and in the future? This question is going to help you understand financial expectations.

If you’re missing alignment or certainty around the answers to these questions, I’m not so sure entering an exclusive relationship makes sense if lifelong partnership is your goal. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. If you find yourselves in sync, it's a promising sign that it’s time to make it official.

Moving towards exclusivity is a gradual process; rushing things may lead to unnecessary pressure or strain. Be patient and allow this new relationship to evolve naturally. Healthy, happy, sexy relationships are built over time.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Transforming Anxiety Into Confidence When Dating

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, it’s important that you

a) Actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person.

b) Let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that it’s a good idea. So let’s assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual… if you aren’t the world’s most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?

Here are three ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you don’t think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.

1. Make a list, and check it twice…

I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. He was concerned that his date might not like him for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a woman he hadn’t even met. While it’s healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, he was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this – particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your hands and runners legs? Turns out you’re one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You were born with a space between your front teeth? You can make a gourmet Indian meal out of almost anything?  You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship?

Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Don’t focus on the possible perceived negatives as that provokes anxiety. Don’t highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesn’t appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, you’re creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.

2. Talk to Strangers…

One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety… you know, the stuff that sets in when we’re about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you don’t know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesn’t provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but it’s still up to you to do the heavy lifting. 

There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and that’s to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions… asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply don’t find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you don’t find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who aren’t available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.

3. Find a Coach…

If you’re doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. It’s also a wonderful way to combat anxiety from a holistic perspective. 

Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence, self-esteem, and work to overcome anxiety. Even if you think you’re “doing fine” on issues of self worth, there isn’t much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that it’s ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that we’d probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that won’t. You can’t have what you don’t ask for, and you’ll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if it’s not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all you have to offer is a key first step in finding a real, deep, and everlasting relationship.

How To Deal With Being Single and Feeling Lonely

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Going solo can have its benefits—freedom, flexibility and "me-time"—but it's easy to feel lonely. But fear not: research reveals that loneliness is a universal emotion many of us experience from time to time. That said, there are plenty of things you can do while riding the single wave so don't be afraid to practice some selfcare. Connecting with yourself and others will help ease those lonesome feelings until your next relationship comes along.

Embrace solitude

Taking time to be alone can open up opportunities for self-reflection and personal development. Use this opportunity to evaluate all aspects of your life, craft achievable goals, or work on inspiring projects. Embracing solitude helps cultivate a sense of independence while also making it easier not to feel lonely in the future. 

Connect with others

While solitude can be beneficial, it's also important to invest in relationships. Whether it's through friends, family, or community, spending time with others can help you feel less lonely and more connected. Trying new group activities will bring you closer to people who share similar interests.

Pursue your passions

If you want to feel more alive and connected, try unleashing your passions! From painting masterpieces to playing music or writing stories - when we explore our hobbies with enthusiasm it can help us create a purposeful life that's filled with joy. So don't be afraid; reach out for the things you love and make them part of who you are.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community, meet new people, and make a positive impact in the world. You'll feel good knowing that you're making a difference, and you'll also meet new people who share your values and interests.

Travel

Packing your bags for a new destination can infuse your life with wonder and gratitude. It’s a great way to experience new cultures, meet new people, and get out of your comfort zone. Whether it's a solo trip or a group tour, traveling can be a great way to push you out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons.

Adopt a pet

Bringing a new four-legged critter home has immense benefits. In a recent study concerning loneliness, studies that were conducted after the outbreak of COVID-19 mostly showed that pet ownership can contribute to lower levels of loneliness. Pets can provide us with unconditional love and comfort, and they can also be great companions. Just make sure you're ready for the responsibilities that come with pet ownership.

Start a gratitude practice

Sometimes, feeling lonely can be a result of focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. Starting a gratitude practice can help you shift your focus to the good things in your life and to feel more content and fulfilled.

Embracing your single life doesn't have to be lonely. Instead of fretting, find ways to fill the time with meaningful moments and personal growth. Reach out to friends, lean into hobbies or interests you've been wanting to try. Embrace the power of solitude, reach out to trusted friends or acquaintances, ignite your passions with activities that bring joy into your life; most importantly take care of yourself. With patience and openness comes contentment in every season – including being unattached.

Why Do Some People Struggle With Love While Others Make It Look Easy?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When it comes to love, some people just seem to have all the luck. They effortlessly attract partners who adore them, enjoy long-lasting relationships, and end up happily ever after. So, what's their secret? Is it a matter of fate, or is there something more to it?

You’ll notice that most of the “lucky ones” maintain a positive attitude; they have a strong sense of self-worth and radiate positivity, making them extra attractive. As they say, “attitude is everything” and it really does make all the difference. If you believe you deserve love, are lovable and that love is looking for you, chances are you’ll end up putting yourself into new situations and meeting more people with more openness.  

How would you ever know you’re lucky if you didn’t take any risk? “Lucky ones” are not afraid to get uncomfortable, so they’re more likely to approach an attractive stranger or agree to a blind date. This curiosity fast-tracks social skills and makes it easier for them to know when they’ve met someone special. Like a positive attitude, the adventurous spirit is also something extremely attractive to others.

You’re more likely to end up lucky in love if you have a clear picture of what that loving relationship looks like. Lucky people tend to have a clear idea of what they want in a partner and relationship—and can communicate openly about it. They’re aware of their values, goals, and priorities, and don’t compromise. They aren’t afraid to walk away from a relationship that does not align with their vision of the future.  

Lastly, lucky people tend to have a healthy relationship with themselves. They have a strong sense of identity and purpose outside of their relationships, which helps them maintain their own identity and a healthy balance between their personal and romantic lives. This healthy sense of self allows them to approach their relationships with a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional maturity, which can lead to more fulfilling connections.

Of course, there is an element of luck in love, but I believe we can create our own luck. Certain traits like a positive attitude, willingness to take risks, and a strong relationship with self can help us find the right person. 

Why You Should Date Outside Your Type

What is a type

Listening to someone describes their type, you will often hear descriptions of physical characteristics (e.g., height, eye color, hair color, etc.) commonly superseding any personality traits (e.g., interests, passions, hobbies) mentioned. People frequently chase a specific type and will exclusively seek out this type when dating. But does the type they're pursuing really make sense for them? People can overlook certain non-favorable traits in a potential romantic partner if they fall into their "perfect type," hoping the rest of the desirable characteristics will develop later on. This approach of solely dating the same type can render unhealthy dating patterns.

Having a Type vs. Having Basic Criteria 

It's normal to have a few basic core elements of what you desire in your future partner- that could be race, age, religion, or specific personality traits but beyond that, chemistry is entirely elusive, and you must be OPEN to love in all shapes and forms. Closing yourself off to possibilities when someone is outside your standard type is a surefire way to limit your dating experience. Acknowledge your pattern, its current success rate, and ultimately if searching outside your type could greatly benefit your dating life. 

How to Break The Pattern 

When dating, having a consistent pattern that has always left you with the seemingly wrong type doesn't break without a conscious effort. Breaking the pattern begins with expanding your scope of thinking to pursue other types of romantic partners as an exciting experience. A willingness to be mentally and romantically open to the uncertainty of someone outside your typical type could bring the perfect match.  

As a professional Matchmaker for around 20 years, some of my most brilliant matches have been outliers. In other words, my clients took a chance and were willing to deviate from their total ideal match criteria, and when they kept an open mind and heart, that was the moment they met the love of their life!