How Do I Make The Switch To Exclusive?

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 37, New York City) [It’s Complicated - actively dating]

“Hi Amy, I’ve recently started putting myself out there and met someone with that instant click. We’ve been out on several dates, we’ve been making vacation plans, and we have hour-long phone calls on off nights. Without a lot of effort, we’re getting closer naturally. This is a relatively new relationship, so I don’t want to rush into things, but at the same time I don’t want to get too intimate or vulnerable with someone who doesn’t have the same plans. I want to make this relationship exclusive before we get too close. How do I make that move into exclusivity?”

Andersen Advice

You can only be so lucky to meet someone that gives you that instant connection. The thrill, the butterflies, the way everything else just blurs into the background; they don’t call it a honeymoon for nothing! As you navigate this, it’s only natural that you start to wonder about sustainability—Could this be something that starts hot and freezes over? Or, could it be something more sustainable?  

Before considering anything, take an objective look at your partner’s level of interest. Do they prioritize time with you? Do they consistently make an effort with your needs in mind? Words are important, but actions carry more weight. You’re looking for similar levels of investment. It can take time to understand if your partner is reliable and consistent, so give yourself some time to determine if they’re ready. 

Even though you’re ready to talk exclusivity, I advise all my clients to take their time before taking this step. You noted that you’re not sure if you two have the “same plan”; exclusivity won’t guarantee the same long-term vision, it just guarantees that exploration for someone else is on hold.  

In lieu of jumping straight into exclusivity, I would suggest weaving in questions that address compatibility. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. Even though you’re looking for answers, remember, this isn’t an interrogation. Be prepared to hear your partner openly, without trying to guide their answers or persuade them to rethink their choices. 

If you’re ready to ask these questions, you should also be ready to answer them. I would start with these:

1. What is your goal in this relationship? A friend? A fling? A soulmate? This answer should help you understand what your partner can handle emotionally.

2. How do you define exclusivity and infidelity? This is going to help both of you figure out your romantic boundaries.

3. What are your expectations around romantic intimacy? Asking this will help you determine alignment on the physical front.

4. What kind of lifestyle would be ideal for you now and in the future? This question is going to help you understand financial expectations.

If you’re missing alignment or certainty around the answers to these questions, I’m not so sure entering an exclusive relationship makes sense if lifelong partnership is your goal. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. If you find yourselves in sync, it's a promising sign that it’s time to make it official.

Moving towards exclusivity is a gradual process; rushing things may lead to unnecessary pressure or strain. Be patient and allow this new relationship to evolve naturally. Healthy, happy, sexy relationships are built over time.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Telltale Signs That a Relationship Will Really Go The Distance

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

What are the telltale signs that a relationship will really go the distance?

Direct yet sensitive and consistent communication

• Successful couples are “on the same page,” and communication is the basic requirement for two individuals to remain so. A relationship is a partnership, and often requires renegotiating the terms to make sure both partners are consistently satisfied!

• Good communication promotes transparency--critical in building trust and intimacy. Importantly, it helps couples work through conflict swiftly and competently, instead of letting misunderstanding and resentment build up. 

• Partners should actively maintain the health of the relationship by having regular conversations to “check-in” and stay connected. 

Trust

• The most stable form of trust is built over time, after a period of consistent give-and-take between both partners. 

• Honesty is the core component of fostering trust, and openness promotes transparency as couples work to merge their worlds with each other. This can come in the form of explicit communication, but it also depends on being honest with yourself: aka being “true” to your own feelings. This promotes vulnerability, necessary to build your shared life together as a team. 

Shared values and goals

• Modern dating culture as depicted in romcoms can be misleading: chemistry isn’t enough. Romance and infatuation can start a relationship, but aligned values are key to its longevity. 

• Sharing similar values and goals helps partners work more effectively as a unit, reducing tension and creating a sense of unity as the relationship moves towards the future. 

• Confidence in the clear vision they share for their relationship is a strong sign that both parties are invested in maintaining it. 

Flexibility and adaptability:

• Relationships aren’t stagnant—they are constantly evolving, and to succeed must incorporate changes in each partner’s identity and goals.  

• This is why flexibility in the present is a telltale sign that a relationship will see the future. Both the relationship and the people within them will face changing circumstances, from job changes, financial difficulties, interpersonal issues, and family obligations. 

• When both partners are noticeably willing to chip-in and make compromises—and do so without resentment!--it prevents problems from escalating into conflicts that should break the relationship. 

Loyalty

• A strong sense of loyalty is the final glue that signals a long-lasting relationship.

• Loyalty isn’t a passive trait—it’s a consistent state that involves being proactive towards setting boundaries with other people (and partners). It updates as the norms of the relationship do, and what feels disloyal to one person doesn’t for another. People also express their dedication in different ways, but a surefire sign is in their attitudes towards infidelity—especially how they actively work to prevent it from happening.

Are You Ready To Move In Together?

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Moving in together is a huge step in the relationship; it’s a chance to deepen your connection and move forward.  But, before signing the lease, here are the 5 most important topics to cover BEFORE moving in along with some suggested “conversation starters,” that you can adapt to your style and situation.

1. Long-term goals and dreams

Before moving in together, discuss your long-term goals as a couple. This can include everything from career aspirations to family planning. Make sure you're both on the same page and have similar visions for the future.

Conversation starter: “I’m excited to move in together, but I need a better sense of long-term plans to make me feel confident and take next steps. Are you ready to talk about this?”

2. Financial situations and planning

Money can be a major source of stress in any relationship, so it's important to be clear about your individual financial situations and discuss how you'll split expenses. You should also consider setting up a joint account to cover emergencies or household bills.

Conversation starter: “When we talk about moving in, I think we should talk through all the financial parts, so I can plan budget, save and plan accordingly. It’s important to me that we move forward without financial mysteries; it’ll save us both headaches.”

3. Household management

Living together means sharing household responsibilities. How will you divide up tasks such as cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping? Are there chores you could outsource? Make sure you're both comfortable with the expectations around the house. 

Conversation starter: “Taking care of a house or apartment together is a big deal. How do you think we should think about our new chores. I call dibs on the cooking, but I would need help with dishes.” 

4. Find ways to compromise

If you live together, you’ll need to compromise. Whether it’s about furniture, bedtimes or entertaining, it’s important to strike that balance on what will make the relationship stronger vs. your individual happiness. 

Conversation starter: “I’m used to living by myself, so I’m particular about clutter and making sure we don’t have too many guests. What’s your stance? What would be ideal for you?”

5. Establish boundaries

Setting boundaries is ultimately going to help you maintain peace and privacy without distancing yourself from your partner. It may feel a bit mechanical in the beginning, but it will ultimately pave the way for a harmonious living situation.

Conversation starter: “I will be working from the home office, so I need to work distraction-free until 4. If I can work straight through, I won’t have to work nights, so I really need time to focus.”

Ultimately, the path to a seamless living situation is paved with open and honest communication. And, as they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so please get clear about your needs and expectations prior to moving in. 

Why You Should Date Outside Your Type

What is a type

Listening to someone describes their type, you will often hear descriptions of physical characteristics (e.g., height, eye color, hair color, etc.) commonly superseding any personality traits (e.g., interests, passions, hobbies) mentioned. People frequently chase a specific type and will exclusively seek out this type when dating. But does the type they're pursuing really make sense for them? People can overlook certain non-favorable traits in a potential romantic partner if they fall into their "perfect type," hoping the rest of the desirable characteristics will develop later on. This approach of solely dating the same type can render unhealthy dating patterns.

Having a Type vs. Having Basic Criteria 

It's normal to have a few basic core elements of what you desire in your future partner- that could be race, age, religion, or specific personality traits but beyond that, chemistry is entirely elusive, and you must be OPEN to love in all shapes and forms. Closing yourself off to possibilities when someone is outside your standard type is a surefire way to limit your dating experience. Acknowledge your pattern, its current success rate, and ultimately if searching outside your type could greatly benefit your dating life. 

How to Break The Pattern 

When dating, having a consistent pattern that has always left you with the seemingly wrong type doesn't break without a conscious effort. Breaking the pattern begins with expanding your scope of thinking to pursue other types of romantic partners as an exciting experience. A willingness to be mentally and romantically open to the uncertainty of someone outside your typical type could bring the perfect match.  

As a professional Matchmaker for around 20 years, some of my most brilliant matches have been outliers. In other words, my clients took a chance and were willing to deviate from their total ideal match criteria, and when they kept an open mind and heart, that was the moment they met the love of their life!

Discussing Sexual History Before Sleeping Together

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Talking about your sexual history before sleeping together is an important part of developing a healthy relationship. Spearheading this conversation will help you both understand each other better and build trust in the relationship, but it’s not always easy to talk about something so intimate—especially if you have different views or expectations. However, if you’re looking for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship, conversation is the first step. Here are some tips on how to approach and discuss your sexual history with your partner before getting intimate.

Before discussing such a sensitive subject, set the right time and place for it. Find a quiet spot where there won’t be any distractions or interruptions so that both of you can focus on having an open conversation without feeling rushed or uncomfortable. Maybe prepare a mental outline of everything you want to cover in advance. Though it might seem less than romantic, a bit of structure to this discussion can help you both feel more at ease.

Having a conversation about your sexual history can help you and your partner make informed decisions around sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It’s crucial to be aware of each other’s sexual health status and history to ensure that you’re both taking the appropriate precautions. Having an honest conversation about health history is a sign of respect for yourself and for your partner; if you are sensing judgement or your partner is making you feel alone in the conversation, it might be for the best to delay physical intimacy until you can communicate with more openness.

Of course discussing sexual history isn’t always easy and requires a little more sensitivity. Try starting with your own sexual history and share as much detail as you would hope to receive. You might open with something like, “I’d like to take things in a more physical direction, but I just want to check in with you about what that means for me. I want to prioritize our health, so if you feel the same, let’s find some time to talk.” You taking the initiative around the subject will help set the tone for an open and honest discussion and give your partner the space to share their own experiences.

Everyone’s sexual history is different, and it’s important not to judge your partner based on their past experiences. Everyone has their own unique journey when it comes to sex and how they define sexually satisfying experiences.

If the conversation is heading in an uncomfortable direction, set boundaries and be clear about your comfort level. If there are certain topics or experiences that you’re not comfortable discussing, it’s okay to express say something like, “I think we’re in a place where I feel comfortable moving forward physically. I don’t think additional details will help us build a stronger relationship.”

Though tricky, communicating openly and honestly with your partners and prioritizing your own physical and emotional well-being will help pave the way for deeper relationships— physically and emotionally.