Ask Amy: How to Handle Non-Committal Men

You’re ready to settle down, but he’s not ready. Today, we take a closer look at what to do when he won’t commit.

Okay, so you’ve been dating a guy for a while, everything seems great, and you’re ready to take things to the next level, but there’s one problem—he won’t commit. It’s a frustrating and confusing experience, especially when emotions are running hot. Here are some learnings that I’ve passed on to clients in the past; I hope something resonates if you’re experiencing the same. 

First and foremost, it’s important to communicate your intentions or, in other words, what kind of relationship you’re looking for. It’s possible that he may be completely unaware of what you want, or he may have his own fears or concerns that he hasn’t expressed to you. By having an open and honest conversation, you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Example #1

“I really like how things are going, and I’m thinking about getting a little more serious about things. How are you feeling?” 

Example #2

“Dating you has made me realize that I am looking for [insert what you want]. How does that kind of [relationship goal] make you feel?”

There may be some reasons giving him pause. If he’s hesitant to commit because he’s afraid of losing his freedom or independence, reassure him that being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing his individuality. In fact, a healthy relationship allows both partners to grow and pursue their own interests while still supporting each other. 

If his hesitation stems from his being unsure if you’re the right person for him, give him space to figure out his feelings. Pressuring him to make a commitment before he’s ready will only lead to resentment and potentially pushing him further away. And, let’s also consider your mental and emotional health as you continue to pursue a man who isn’t sure about you… it might be time for you to give yourself space, too.  

If he’s avoiding the commitment conversation altogether, I suggest a direct conversation—your time is of the essence! Let him know that avoiding the conversation makes you feel anxious about sharing a future and the kind of relationship you need will require commitment. If he’s not ready to commit for various reasons, it’s important to respect his decision and move on.  

If you’re not getting the commitment you want, take a step back and get honest with yourself. Are you willing to wait for him possibly to commit, or do you need to move on and find someone who is ready for the same level of commitment as you right now? It might not always be the same answer, but it’s important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Remember, you deserve someone who is willing to commit to you and give you the love and respect you need.

Affectionately yours,

Amy 

P.S. Something weighing on your mind? Want another point of view? Please comment your questions below!

Ask Amy: How to Handle Pressure Around Finding The One

When I meet new clients and interview potential matches, I sense a lot of their anxiety around finding the one. If you’re single, the pressure to find a soulmate can be overwhelming. Whether it's from your family or society, there's an expectation that you will eventually find someone who is perfect for you. But, what does it really mean to find your soulmate?

First and foremost, remember that finding true love isn’t something that can be rushed or forced. If you feel like your family or society is pressuring you to find a soulmate before you are ready, then take some time for yourself and focus on what makes you happy. Don’t let anyone else define what happiness means for you; only you know what will truly make you happy in life.

When you’re open to partnership, start by taking an honest look at yourself and what qualities are important to you in a partner. Once you have established this, try to meet potential partners through friends and social circles rather than relying solely on online dating sites. Or, better yet, outsource the process to a professional (wink wink!). Don’t forget that physical attraction is important too; try not to settle for someone just because they seem nice if there isn't at least an initial spark between the two of you.

How will you know if you’ve made a connection? Well, finding your true love is often an indescribable feeling; it's hard to put into words but easy enough to recognize when it happens. If the relationship brings out the best in both of you and makes each day better than the last, chances are good that this could be “the one”. When relationships become comfortable yet exciting all at once, it could mean that two people have found the balance between passion and stability (the elusive jackpot!). If both of you feel like you’re maintaining your individual identities while being together, it’s a very good sign.

Finding true love isn’t impossible but it certainly takes time and effort—especially when faced with outside pressures. I always recommend taking some time for yourself before starting your search, meeting potential partners organically through friends or through trusted confidantes, and focusing on physical attraction as well as emotional connection. When you’re ready to find your soul mate but want a little extra help meeting the right kind of people, I’m here.

Good luck out there!

Affectionately yours,
Amy