Talking to a new partner about your divorce—or any other end to a serious relationship—isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary piece in building long-term intimacy. Leaving mystery around your separation can cause unnecessary drama in your new relationship, but it can be easily prevented with some thoughtful planning and reflection. Of course, it’s only natural to feel hesitant or nervous about bringing up the past, but it's important to spearhead open and honest conversations with your partner to ensure a stronger future together.
Here’s how I recommend handling the details around your divorce with a new partner:
#1 Opening up
If the details of your divorce make your blood boil or you find yourself spinning when you recount the end, chances are you’ve got more to process. Instead of including your partner in your processing, take your time and work through your feelings separately. Consider working with a therapist before unintentionally unloading on your new partner. The bottom line here is that you need to have healed from the aftermath of your prior relationship before starting fresh with someone new.
#2 Starting the conversation
We all have a past; there’s no reason to hide yours from someone with whom you are actively trying to build a new relationship. Start the conversation with something simple: “I realized we haven’t discussed my divorce. It helped me realize who I want to be in a relationship and what I’m looking for, and I want to give you an opportunity to ask any questions.” If your partner is curious and receptive, get intentional about how and when to discuss the details.
#3 Owning your mistakes
When you discuss your divorce with your new partner, there’s no need to play the blame game or, worse, adopt a victim mentality. Convey the broad strokes, such as why the marriage ended, what you learned from the experience, and how it's shaped your perspective on partnership. If your partner wants more detail than you feel comfortable providing, you can say that some of the more painful experiences are difficult to discuss, but you can revisit them later. Let them know that regardless of what you’re able to discuss, the chapter with your ex has closed and you are excited about your fresh start.
#4 Assure your partner
Your partner may have questions or concerns about your divorce—especially if they haven’t been married before. Be patient with them; they are navigating new territory and evaluating how your divorce could potentially affect your relationship.
According to the American Psychological Association, the most common reason cited for divorce is "irreconcilable differences," followed by infidelity and money issues. If your divorce falls into the first category, explain what those differences were and how you are focusing on alignment within your current relationship. If it falls into infidelity or money issues, it’s important to focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to avoid the same problems in subsequent relationships.
#5 Focus on the future
No matter how messy or challenging your divorce was, you made it through. Divorce teaches us about ourselves and what we truly value in partnership. This knowledge paves the way for healthier, happier more meaningful relationships. Talking about your divorce and learnings after healing shows strength and maturity—qualities you need to make your next relationship last.
Helping clients rebuild their lives in the wake of divorce is just another part of successful matchmaking. No matter how messy, there is always a way forward. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, “Divorce can be a stressful and traumatic experience, but many individuals report feeling a sense of relief and greater happiness after their divorce”, so just remember, you’ve gotten through the hard part.
Affectionately yours,
Amy
