By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating
This week, I received an email from a client asking for advice on how to gracefully communicate disinterest after a date when she knows there's no potential for a future connection. She shared:
"How and when should I let someone know if I’m not interested in a future together? I don’t want to disappoint them, so I often avoid saying exactly what I feel. Sometimes, I need time to think it over, but I feel bad texting afterward to say I’m not interested, as it doesn’t feel personal. How should I approach this with honesty in the moment?"
My advice? It’s important to give both yourself and your date the space to reflect after the date before responding. A good rule of thumb is to wait until the next day—preferably midday—before reaching out. If your date texts you right after the evening and you know you’re not interested, it’s perfectly acceptable to take your time and respond the following day.
Delivering this kind of feedback in person at the end of the date can come across as abrupt and emotionally charged. It’s too immediate and doesn’t leave room for reflection. It’s like being hit with a cold splash of water. Instead, waiting until the next day to gently let your date know your feelings allows you both to digest the evening and process the experience.
If you’re uncomfortable with calling, a well-crafted text message in the early stages of dating is acceptable. However, if you’ve gone on multiple dates, an in-person conversation or phone call is the more considerate approach.
To make this process as kind and respectful as possible, consider following this simple template:
1. Begin with genuine compliments
Start by expressing appreciation for something positive about the date. This helps soften the message and ensures your date feels valued.
Examples:
"Thank you for picking such a unique dinner spot last night—I’d never been to that restaurant, and I loved discovering those amazing tapas!"
"I really appreciated your kindness throughout the evening. It’s rare these days to find someone who treats others with such respect and consideration."
"Your creativity is impressive. The fact that you sew your own clothes with such precision is truly remarkable—I haven’t met anyone with that kind of skill before."
"I was so impressed when you shared that you completed your Ph.D. while working full-time. That’s an incredible accomplishment."
"It was so inspiring to hear about your weekend volunteer work. Compassionate people like you are a rare find."
2. Gently communicate your feelings
Once you’ve expressed your gratitude, transition to your decision in a calm and thoughtful manner. Share that after reflecting on the date, you feel there isn’t enough long-term chemistry to pursue another meeting.
Example phrasing:
"After giving it some thought, I don’t feel the kind of connection I’m looking for long-term. I hope you understand."
3. Offer encouragement and goodwill
Close by wishing your date well, and emphasize that you believe they will find the right person in time.
Example:
"I have no doubt that someone as [compliment from above] will find the love they deserve. You’re a truly special person, and I’m sure there’s someone perfect for you out there."
By handling rejection in this way, you not only convey your message with clarity and respect, but you also leave the other person feeling appreciated and understood. This approach is much more considerate than ghosting or engaging in a prolonged texting dialogue that may lead someone on unnecessarily.
Dating isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to difficult conversations. But by navigating these moments with elegance, you set yourself apart. Not only will you make your date feel better about themselves, but you’ll also feel good about taking the high road and handling a challenging situation with grace.